<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Silence of the Damned by nighttmr</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28094022">Silence of the Damned</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/nighttmr/pseuds/nighttmr'>nighttmr</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batman - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bruce Wayne is a Bad Parent, Bruce fucked up and he doesn't know how to make it up, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Dick Grayson Needs a Hug, Dick messed up but he's trying to be a good brother, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Jason Todd Deserves Better, Jason Todd Has Issues, Jason Todd Needs A Hug, Jason Todd-centric, Mental Health Issues, Mute Jason Todd, Protective Barbara Gordon, Protective Dick Grayson, Protective Roy Harper, Roy Harper Needs a Hug, Self-Esteem Issues, So much fucking angst here, Stephanie Brown Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Tim Drake Needs a Hug</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:28:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>27,124</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28094022</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/nighttmr/pseuds/nighttmr</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>As Jason laid in the wreckage of an explosion of his own making with a bleeding neck —he never expected the batarang slicing his throat wide open— and broken body, remembering how Bruce chose the Joker over him, he just wanted to laugh at himself. </p>
<p>Because how could he ever expect anything different? </p>
<p>Nobody cared about Jason Todd. He was just a Crime Alley fuck up. He wasn’t worth a damn. He wasn’t worth anything. He should’ve known better. He did know better. He just… wished that someone would pick him for once. </p>
<p>.</p>
<p>When Bruce cut Jason’s throat with a batarang to stop him from killing the Joker, it damaged his vocal chords so badly that he could no longer talk. But Jason didn’t care anymore. He’s finally realized that no one wants to listen to what a dead man has to say.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dick Grayson &amp; Jason Todd, Roy Harper &amp; Jason Todd</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>458</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1640</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Should've stayed six feet under</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jason was fucking tired.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s been a month since Jason had to pick up his broken-useless-fucked up body and drag himself away from the rubble where the last of his faith in his dad died. </p><p><strike>He tried to forget about how Batman saved the Joker’s unconscious body but never went back to look for him. He had to save himself. Again.</strike> </p><p>It’s been one month since he had to dug the fucking batarang out of his neck and just wondered why he was still fighting. What was even the point anymore? He was better off dead. <em> It doesn’t get any clearer than your own dad trying to kill you.  </em></p><p>So why the fuck was he still here? </p><p>.</p><p>He thought that he just needed to wait for his throat to heal but once it did and there was a ugly scar left behind, he realized Bruce wasn’t done taking from him. </p><p>The doctors in this clinic —Some small obscure city. Not Gotham. Not anywhere near Batman. He refuses to be vulnerable in a place where Batman could easily follow— said he was lucky to be alive (<em>was he?</em>). But he would never talk again. The injury was too deep. There was too much damage and they couldn’t fix it all. </p><p>He barely paid attention to them and all the medical jargon they were spewing out as he gazed out the window with blank eyes and a numb mind. He didn’t care. And no one would listen to what a dead man has to say anyway so it didn’t matter. </p><p>Nothing did anymore. </p><p>.</p><p>He was back in his safehouse in Gotham. He spent some time debating whether or not he should come back. The city was a complete shithole but it was his home. The only home he has ever known. And he will be damned if Batman takes another thing away from him. </p><p>His throat was healed but there was a phantom pain that he grew used to ignoring. It wasn’t worth paying attention to. What he couldn’t ignore no matter how hard he tried was the constant ache in his heart. Because he should’ve been used to this, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. And he was all too aware of it. </p><p>He should’ve known better. No one ever chooses him. </p><p>Willis never gave a fuck about him except when he needed a convenient punching bag. Catherine tried her best but she put her drugs before him. Sheila just wanted to save her own skin even if it meant selling out her son. </p><p>Once upon a time, he thought that maybe Bruce would be different. After all, you don’t adopt someone if you didn’t want them, right? But now that he looks back on it, he probably just did that so he could have a Robin since his last one up and left him. </p><p>As he laid in the wreckage of an explosion of his own making with a bleeding neck —he never expected the batarang slicing his throat wide open— and broken body, remembering how Bruce chose the Joker over him, he just wanted to laugh at himself. </p><p>Because how could he ever expect anything different? </p><p>Nobody cared about Jason Todd. He was just a Crime Alley fuck up. He wasn’t worth a damn. He wasn’t worth anything. He should’ve known better. He did know better. He just… wished that someone would pick <em>him </em> for once. </p><p><strike>He let out an inaudible laugh.</strike> </p><p>What a fucking joke. </p><p>.</p><p>He looked up at the polluted Gotham air. He was sitting on the ledge of one of the many tall buildings in this cesspit shithole of a city. The night was young but there was a heavy weight that hung in the air as darkness clouded everything in sight. A few lights were shining while crime ran afoot. </p><p>And Jason sat up there, just watching and staring at everything. He watches as people try to get through their business at night, watches the shady deals and happenings around town, and watches as the Bats and Birds try to change Gotham through their non-lethal ways. </p><p>He watches as Batman —<em>once his family, his mentor, his dad</em>— went easy on these criminals than his own damn son. And these guys have a rap sheet as long as his and theirs weren’t filled with other murderers-rapists-traffickers but innocents. He watches how Bruce pulled his punches with  them and how he didn’t aim at their fucking throats to incapacitate them even when they were holding hostages —civilians. </p><p>He watches all this with a blank look as he clutches the copper-stained batarang tightly in his hand. </p><p>He listens to his siblings bicker and laugh together. Even when he was Robin —<em>younger, carefree, naive</em>—, this ease was never felt around him. Bruce and Barbara thought he was too reckless, too aggressive to be a hero. Dick hated him for taking the mantle he left behind and never made an effort to be a brother. All of Dick’s friends hated him and went out of their way to say that he will never measure up to being the kind of hero Dick was. </p><p><em> You may wear that uniform and colors but you are </em> <em> not </em> <em> Robin.  </em></p><p>
  <em> You will never be as good as Dick. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You’re not a hero.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strike>You’re nothing.</strike>  </em>
</p><p>He watches as Dick be a better brother to the siblings that weren’t him. He watches as Dick tried so hard to be there for the kids that Bruce picked up after him. And when he saw all this, it wasn’t hard to wonder just what was so bad with him that it was so difficult to call him family too. Why did they never put in this effort for him? </p><p>
  <em> Why couldn’t he ever be enough for someone?  </em>
</p><p>But was he surprised? No. He never did fit in around them. He was never one of them. It was sad that it took dying to finally realize that. </p><p>Or maybe he knew all along but buried it deep in his subconscious that it took dying for him to finally accept the truth.</p><p>He closed his eyes for a few seconds before resuming watching Gotham in silence. </p><p>The big bad Red Hood hasn’t been seen in 3 months but do any of them care? No. They’re just glad that he was gone and not messing up their no-killing dynamic. So why would they be concerned about his disappearance? Hell, they’re probably celebrating the fact that he was no longer a problem. </p><p>After all, the Jason Todd that came back wasn’t the Jason that died. He was just a man parading around in a dead boy’s body. </p><p>He clutched the blood-stained batarang tighter as he watched the Bats. </p><p>Look at them. Look at this picture perfect scene. </p><p>There was no Red Hood. No boy haunting them from the grave. No fuck-up coming back to throw their mistakes at them. </p><p>The dead kid was finally out of the picture. And the heroes were happy. Because it makes it easier to write off the criminal who deserved Arkham than to be forced to confront the truth about how much they failed. </p><p>He wanted to laugh, wanted to drown himself in hysteric giggles. Batman got what he wanted after all. He always did in the end. </p><p>Sounds of police sirens perpetrated the air. He stayed sitting there on the ledge. His thin jacket hardly protected him against the cold winter temperature dropping even further at this time of night but he still did not move, just kept on watching the city. </p><p>Jason Todd died in an explosion in Ethiopia, trying to save a mother who had sold him out to the Joker. He died again in an explosion of his own making because the one parent he thought loved him turned out to be no different when he chose the Joker over him.</p><p>
  <em> Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.  </em>
</p><p>How many times is he going to make the same mistakes? How many times will it take for this stupid kid to learn that no one gave a single fuck about him? That no one will choose him? </p><p>He did know better. He just wished he was wrong for once. </p><p>
  <em> A good soldier.  </em>
</p><p>That’s how Bruce remembered him. That’s how he chose to remember him. Not as family. Not as a son. Not as someone he used to love. But as a soldier. </p><p>He was no better than a fucking pawn on a chessboard. </p><p>He wonders if the Lazarus Pits is just screwing up his memories again or if he was just clinging onto a fantasy that never existed. All those times that Bruce took care of him and cared for him, did he just make that up? Were they real? Did Bruce ever love him? Did Bruce ever see him as more than a replacement for Dick?</p><p>His blank facade finally cracked as he blinked the tears back. </p><p><strike>He was better off six feet under.</strike> </p><p>After everything he’s been through —after literally being tortured by the Joker and blown to bits, used by the League of Assassins as Talia’s pawn against Bruce—, it was this single blood-stained batarang that he had to dig out of himself that cut him deeper and hurt him far worse than any wound or injury he ever had. </p><p>It was Bruce who finally managed to break him. </p><p>
  <em> How was it that all of his parent figures managed to hurt him the most? Was he that bad of a son that he didn’t deserve parental love?  </em>
</p><p>He let out a shaky breath, trembling but it wasn’t from the cold. He was tired, so fucking tired of all this. He was just done. He was numb, tired, and just barely holding on. </p><p>It took a few years but he finally got the memo. No one gave a damn about Jason Todd. So why should he? </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. I got the memo</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jason wanted to give up being Red Hood but Crime Alley needed him. And he couldn’t abandon them like so many have on him.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After too many side-glances from strangers at the hideous scar across his neck, Jason had taken to wearing a scarf or high collars to hide it. </p><p>At first, he didn’t care who saw. He didn’t want to cover it up. It was a good reminder that he never once meant anything to Bruce. </p><p><strike> That he was better off six feet under. </strike> </p><p>He never should have come back to life. He could’ve done without the harsh truths being shoved in his face ever since he came out of his grave. Sometimes, he wished he stayed dead. What he wouldn’t give to be that little boy trapped in a warehouse about to explode who clung onto the fantasy that Bruce was different from all his parents, his dad truly loved and cared about him. </p><p>But when has life ever been kind to him? When does he ever get what <em> he </em> wants? </p><p>The scar was a good dose of reality that he needed. Because he should’ve seen the signs. </p><p><em> A good soldier. </em> </p><p>He should’ve known better. And this scar and the copper-stained batarang is proof that he won’t make the same mistake again. </p><p>He was tired and numb. He ran out of tears to cry. </p><p>And seeing all those pitying glances from strangers he passed on the street, having that kind of attention cast on him, broke something in him. </p><p>
  <em> Don’t look at me like that.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I don’t need your sympathy.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I don’t want your pity.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I just want to be left alone.  </em>
</p><p>The next day, he made sure that his neck was sufficiently covered, no scar or failures in sight. He was surprised when he put on the turtleneck and scarf and found that he could breathe easier even with all the extra clothing on him. </p><p>.</p><p>Gotham being <em> Gotham </em> meant that crime never stopped. If anything, since the Red Hood’s mysterious disappearance four months ago, crime has increased. </p><p>The anti-hero’s very violent method of destroying crime in the city didn’t go unnoticed and people were wondering where he went. They said he was dead, killed by his own henchman. They said he was imprisoned by the Bats in a far away prison. They said that Joker had something to do with it. </p><p>People weren’t far off from the truth. </p><p>
  <em> The Red Hood was dead, killed by a hero who chose his son’s murderer over him.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Jason Todd was murdered in an explosion.  </em>
</p><p>He was a dead man walking with nothing to his name except for a list of failures and regrets. </p><p>There were days when he took out his gun with a single bullet loaded in and just wondered what would happen if he just ended it all. There would be no pain and he wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. </p><p>He would look at the gun in his hands for hours and just wonder. In the end though, he would just sigh and put the gun away for next time. Even with the weapon put away, he wouldn’t stop wondering <em> what if</em>. </p><p>Why was he making things so hard on himself?</p><p>Because even after all that he has been through, he was still scared of dying. He was scared of going through that all over again. </p><p>But oh. He was tired, so fucking tired. </p><p>He just wants to quit. </p><p>.</p><p>Jason thought he would quit being Red Hood. He didn’t want to fight anymore. He was tired of it. <strike>He was tired of a lot of things.</strike></p><p>
  <em> But when has Gotham ever taken “no” as an answer?  </em>
</p><p>It was early morning, the sun barely rose over the horizon, that he came upon the scene. His hands were shaking as he gazed at the lifeless eyes of that little girl —dirtied dress, pale white skin, blue lips— laying dead on the ground, tucked in a dirty alleyway behind a dumpster. </p><p>It was obvious what killed her: multiple gunshots in her chest. Death would’ve been instant for her but that wasn’t much of a relief. Because she shouldn’t have had to die in the first place. </p><p>He heard talks that there was a gang fight a few nights ago. He heard the sirens all night.</p><p>She couldn’t be more than eight when her life was cut short. </p><p>Could he have prevented her being shot dead if he was Red Hood? When he left the hero scene, he knew crime would rise without his influence. Was his selfishness causing more people to die? </p><p>
  <em> He just wants to quit.  </em>
</p><p>He couldn’t quit. </p><p>He couldn’t leave Crime Alley to rot. He couldn’t abandon the good people there, not like so many have on him. They needed someone to protect them. </p><p>And maybe this could ease the numbness he constantly felt? </p><p><strike>He could only hope.</strike> </p><p>.</p><p>So he became Red Hood again for the kids. For all the people in Crime Alley that didn’t deserve yet another hero giving up on protecting them. </p><p>The only thing he changed with his outfit was that there was no longer a red bat on his chest. He got the memo loud and clear. He isn’t one of them. He doesn’t deserve to wear the symbol. </p><p>But that’s okay. He doesn’t want to be one of them anymore. </p><p>The Red Hood’s mission hasn’t changed from getting rid of crime and trying to make the Alley’s inhabitants as safe as possible. He still does the same thing as before. </p><p>Only difference this time is that he washes himself clean of the Bats.  He no longer antagonizes them or anything. He doesn’t follow them or try to play mind games with them. He wants nothing to do with them anymore. </p><p>He just doesn’t care about them. </p><p>Because it was clear that they don’t care about him. </p><p>.</p><p>The Red Hood resurfaced again after four months of complete silence. He should’ve known that the Bats would’ve come after him. </p><p><strike>He just didn’t care enough to.</strike> </p><p>It was a week after he hit the streets that the Bats approached him. </p><p>He was expecting Batman to come throw his ass back in Arkham again. </p><p>He can’t say he was surprised when he saw Nightwing instead. Always the protector. Always the big brother who has to make sure his <em> family </em> is safe from the big bad villain. </p><p>
  <em> You can see the line being drawn between him and everything Grayson cares about. Once upon a time, why wasn’t he enough for the Golden Boy’s love too?  </em>
</p><p>“Hey, Jason.” It was made worse when Dick used that gentle and sweet tone as if they always had this brotherly bond between them. </p><p>He didn’t move from where he stood on top of a tall building, overlooking Gotham like he did a few months ago. </p><p><em> Stop pretending </em> he wanted to say, but he stayed quiet. </p><p>An awkward silence descended upon them. </p><p>“Alright. I, uh, I see that you’re back now. Gotham’s been quiet without you for the past few months, you know?” Wow. Could Dick be any less nonchalant? “So what have you been doing these past few months? I bet you were pretty busy, huh?” </p><p>And <em> oh. </em> </p><p>He didn’t think Grayson was that devious. Trying to be all nice and brotherly to figure out where he’s been all this time. Did the Bats really think that he was busy with murderous plots to get rid of them? Is that really the opinion they have? That if he was gone, he was just writing villain schemes for the hell of it? </p><p>He shook his head, saying nothing. </p><p>He wasn’t a villain. </p><p>Not anymore. </p><p>He wasn’t much of anything now. He got the memo. </p><p>“Um, okay, then.” Dick said after a few drawn out seconds of awkward silence. “You know, Alfie’s been wondering where you were.” </p><p>He still said nothing, and it seemed that Dick realized that line of questioning wasn’t getting anywhere so he switched topics. </p><p>“You know that we can help you with the Pit right? You don’t have to deal with everything alone. Come home, Little Wing, and everything will be okay again.” </p><p>
  <em> I’m not your Little Wing.  </em>
</p><p>Did Dick really think he would believe that? How stupid does he think he is? He wasn’t a little boy anymore. He knew better now. </p><p>But more than that, he couldn’t believe that Grayson would dare to look that earnest and honest after everything that happened. </p><p>
  <em> After everything he’s been through —after literally being tortured by the Joker and blown to bits, used by the League of Assassins as Talia’s pawn against Bruce—, it was this single blood-stained batarang that he had to dig out of himself that cut him deeper and hurt him far worse than any wound or injury he ever had.  </em>
</p><p>He can’t believe that the Golden Boy is so fucking naive enough to think that he would willingly have anything to do with them again. </p><p>“Damnit Jason! Why won’t you just say something?”</p><p>Jason stared at Dick, grateful that the helmet was hiding his incredulous look. He shot out his grappling gun and ignored the pleas of a stranger who never once was a brother to him. </p><p>Dick didn’t care about him as a person. He just wanted to get rid of the guilt he felt for throwing a temper tantrum at Bruce and not doing better for him. Jason knew it wasn’t because of him but to soothe his own hero complex. </p><p>He owed them nothing. There was nothing to say to them. If he could actually talk, what is there to say? They don’t care for him. They just want to hold on to the image of a dead boy that isn’t him anymore. </p><p>That kid died thinking he was loved. That kid died thinking he had a dad who cared about him. That kid was put six feet under thinking that he was worth something. </p><p>Well, guess what? </p><p>He knew the truth now. </p><p>And he won’t lie to himself anymore. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Running out of life support</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jason was doing fine (he’s fucking lying but it’s not like anyone cares though). And Dick is coming to realize that he burnt the bridge with Jason, and he doesn’t know what to do now.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s been five months since Batman damaged his vocal chords so badly he was rendered mute. <strike><em>Thanks, dad.</em></strike> It’s been one month since he decided to be Red Hood again and stick strictly to Crime Alley, not messing with the Bats anymore —not having anything to do with them again. </p><p>
  <strike> <em> He learned his lesson. He has the scar on his neck as proof. </em> </strike>
</p><p>They didn’t get the memo at first. Did they really think he wouldn’t notice them trailing after him after he resurfaced? He already expected that since meeting Nightwing that night. But he does have to give them props that they didn’t immediately throw a punch at him right from the get-go. They used their words. </p><p><em> “Little Wing, please just say something.” </em> Nightwing. </p><p><em> “Jason?” </em> Robin. </p><p><em> “Where were you Hood?” </em> Even Batman. </p><p>Only to receive nothing from him —no back talk, no insults, no rants— just nothing.  </p><p>Apparently, the silence unnerved them so much that they stopped bothering keeping an eye on him and went back to ignoring him like they always did. </p><p><strike> After all, out of sight, out of mind. </strike> </p><p>And when they were gone, he could breathe just a little bit easier. </p><p> .</p><p>Dick felt like the rug had been pulled underneath him. Multiple times. He knew he fucked up with Jason. </p><p>But to just hear absolutely nothing from his younger brother hurts more than he wants to admit. He almost wanted Jason to start yelling at him, cursing him out, ranting at how horrible of a brother he was. But there was nothing —just silence.  </p><p>When Jason dropped off the grid for four months before resurfacing again, he was worried, scared out of his mind that his brother would die again and he will be too far away to do anything about it again. </p><p>But now that Jason was back?</p><p>Dick still feels like he’s too far away to do anything even though Jason is right there. Because he refuses to talk to anyone. </p><p>No one heard Hood talking after his and Batman’s confrontation. All they knew was that the two fought each other, but that was it. When they tried looking for more answers, there were no videos, cams, or anything to give them a clue. Babs hit a dead end there which was annoying her. </p><p>Dick thought Hood’s silence was because he didn’t want anything to do with them. He remembered talking to Tim and Babs about it but all they could do was guess. </p><p>Tim was the one who brought up that Jason could’ve disappeared because he was injured. But if he was hurt that badly, surely Bruce would say something, right? Bruce wouldn’t keep that kind of information from them, <em> right</em>?</p><p>
  <em> “Do you think he really did get injured?”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “We would’ve seen hospital records for any kind of injury.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Maybe he didn’t get it done in Gotham.” </em>
</p><p>Even Alfred was getting worried, but Bruce still wouldn’t say anything. And like hell, would Jason willingly come near any of them to tell his side of the story. </p><p>
  <em> What happened to you, Jason?  </em>
</p><p>When Dick learned Jason came back to life, he was happy because it meant he had a second chance. </p><p>
  <em> Dick could only watch helplessly as Jason grappled away, uncaring of his pleas. Hand outstretched, the first Robin was forced to see that he truly fucked up with his younger brother.  </em>
</p><p>Seeing that and hearing Jason’s silence made him realize that he never had a chance all along. He already burnt the bridge between them with his shitty behavior and even shittier attitude. </p><p>.</p><p>Dick knew he wasn’t the best brother to Jason —choosing to blame the kid for wearing his family’s colors and his mom’s name for him when it was Bruce’s fault. </p><p>He couldn’t even remember what his dad’s voice sounded like or what his mom’s smiles were like. He couldn’t remember the good times before they fell to their deaths. His memories of them were overshadowed by the image of their dead bodies. Robin was the only good thing he had left of them. And Bruce didn’t even care when he gave it away (without even saying anything to him) as if he had the right.</p><p>He was angry. He was resentful. That Jason didn’t even have to try for Bruce to act like a dad towards him. </p><p>He remembered reading how Bruce adopted —<em>adopted</em>— a new kid in the newspaper. Bruce didn’t even have the decency to call or text him. He had to read it in the fucking newspaper. And all he could think about was what was so special about this kid with his black hair and blue eyes. </p><p>
  <em> Why wasn’t he good enough to adopt too?  </em>
</p><p>And it hurt seeing the emotionally constipated Batman just giving Jason compliments and praises without any prompting. Do you know how hard it is to get the man to give him a hug? And he just hugs Jason even when he didn’t ask. </p><p>It hurt more seeing Bruce stare at Jason with pride and love —as if Dick meant nothing at all.  </p><p>But wasn’t that the core of the problem? Jason was brash, reckless, and feisty. He fought dirty and sometimes forgot to pull his punches. He was nothing like Dick. And maybe that was why Bruce loved him more. </p><p>Dick left Gotham because he couldn’t deal with Bruce trying to control his life, but he also thought that he still had a place in the family even though he was only his ward. When Jason came, he realized that his place was already filled by the new kid and there was no room for him anymore. </p><p>So he was hostile towards Jason <em>Wayne.</em> <strike>He was adopted; didn’t you know?</strike> Telling him he didn’t deserve Robin. Telling him he wasn’t good enough. </p><p>Because he was hurting. Jason took Bruce <strike>(and Robin)</strike> from him, and he just wanted the kid to feel the same hurt and pain he felt. </p><p>He learned too little, too late that he should do better by Jason and actually be a big brother towards him. He made a promise before he went on the space mission with his team that when he came back, he was going to repair his relationship with the new Robin. </p><p>Only to come back to a grave. </p><p>Only to be filled with even more regrets and guilt. </p><p>.</p><p>Alone in his room, Dick put his head in his hands and let himself shed a few tears. </p><p>He lost a brother. </p><p>Again. </p><p>But this time, Jason was alive —breathing and living. And still so very far out of his reach.  </p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Jason watched as his replacement faced off some of Falcone’s men. It should be no trouble for Robin to quickly deal with them. Yet it’s been 15 minutes already and the fight was still ongoing. </p><p>Robin’s movements were sluggish and not as coordinated as usual. He knew the kid had to deal with fear toxin a couple of nights ago. </p><p>Robin won’t be receiving backup any time soon. He knew that Batman was tied up with Penguin on the other side of town and the other new one, Spoiler (or was it Batgirl now?), was out sick with the flu. Nightwing was in Bludhaven and Oracle can’t exactly help with her wheelchair, to be extremely blunt. </p><p>He watched as Robin was dealt a hard kick to the stomach that he crashed into the brick wall a few feet behind him. </p><p>He couldn’t keep watching. </p><p>He jumped down from where he was standing on a ledge and made quick work of the men, a bullet in each of their heads. </p><p>Robin’s words were slurred as he stood up, using the wall as support, but Jason heard him clearly. “Killing is wrong.” </p><p>
  <em> And Bruce could’ve killed him with a batarang if it dug into his throat just a little bit deeper. So why would he give a damn about that hypocrite’s no-killing rule?  </em>
</p><p>But what has defending himself ever done? It won’t change the way they see him: a failure, a mistake, a man who shouldn’t have come back to life, a man who should’ve stayed dead. </p><p>So he said nothing in response because there was nothing to say. </p><p>.</p><p>Tim was not having a good time. This night was just a mess after mess. First, someone (he doesn’t know who, which is concerning in and out of itself) managed to hit him with a gas that made his senses feel off. He lost his comm so he couldn’t contact Batman or Oracle. And his distress signal was not working. </p><p>Could this night get any worse?</p><p>That was a rhetorical question the universe shouldn’t prove him right on. </p><p>But alas, now he had to deal with Falcone’s men because he had the fucking luck to stumble upon them in the alley and apparently, they couldn’t talk it out peacefully.</p><p>Double fuck. </p><p>Luckily, someone did come to his rescue. He just wasn’t expecting it to be Red Hood. He was further surprised when Hood just picked him up like he weighed nothing and hauled him out of there. </p><p>“Hood?” </p><p>No response. </p><p>Like all the times before, when he spoke up, he never received an answer. No death threats. No talks of how he shouldn’t be Robin, and Bruce was a damn fool for putting another kid in this cursed uniform. Just nada. </p><p>“Jason?” </p><p>Still nothing. </p><p>So he shut his mouth and just observed the second Robin with sharp analytical eyes. And he didn’t like what he saw so far. </p><p>Hood’s movements were stilted and more mechanical as if someone else was pulling his strings. And the silence —<em>the fucking quiet</em>— was unnatural and unnerving. </p><p>And Tim didn’t know what to think. </p><p>Except that something is very wrong here. </p><p>
  <em> What happened to you, Jason?  </em>
</p><p>.</p><p>Jason is not doing great right now. When he left Robin where the Batmobile was parked (and wouldn’t you know? Batman was nowhere to be found when his Robin was in trouble), he headed straight to his closest safehouse. His side grew slick with blood. He ignored that and breathed through the pain. </p><p>There was no help he could go to. There was Leslie’s clinic but he knew that she would just tell Batman —the very thing he was avoiding. He refused to put himself at that bastard’s mercy ever again. </p><p>So he sucked through the pain. </p><p>He only had himself. </p><p>The next few minutes were a giant blur to him. But he made it to his safehouse and dug out the bullet. He blinked away the dark spots in his vision before stitching up the wounds and then bandaging it. </p><p>A wave of pain washed over him for a few seconds. He grit his teeth and forgone the painkillers —even if he hated taking drugs (he won’t be dependent on them like Catherine), it won’t have that much of an effect on him courtesy of the Pit.  </p><p>He was fine. He was okay. </p><p><em> He was still so very tired. </em> </p><p>He didn’t regret becoming Red Hood again. He likes helping out Crime Alley. He likes being their protector again —just so no one else (like that little girl) died because of his selfishness again. </p><p>He killed but he was helping these people in ways the Bats couldn’t. He was doing good. He had to believe that. It was his only source of comfort that his life —this pathetic second chance people kept saying he had the fucking luck to have— could actually mean something. </p><p>
  <strike> <em> He was no better than a criminal. Batman was right to be brutal. He deserved Arkham.  </em> </strike>
</p><p>He doesn’t ask to be seen as a hero. He knows that’s too much to ask for. He just wants to know he’s doing good. </p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>
  <em> He was doing good, right? </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. A ghost among the living</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jason has a really bad nightmare. Tim and Steph talk about the missing bat symbol from Hood’s armor.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There was laughter all around him and it wouldn’t fucking stop. It was surrounding him, encasing him from all sides with no hope of escape. Where the hell was it coming from? </p><p>
  <em> Why won’t it just fucking stop?  </em>
</p><p>His eyes were wide open as they darted around frantically trying to find out where that goddamn laughter was coming from. But nothing. All he could see was pitch black. Shit. Was his eyesight taken too? </p><p>He tripped over nothing and felt his chin scraped against something hard. That damn laughter mocked him, taunted him. </p><p>“What’s the matter, birdy? Falling already? I haven’t even hit ya with the crowbar, yet!” </p><p>He stumbled on his feet, one thought running through his mind over and over again. </p><p>
  <em> I have to leave. I have to leave. I have to leave.  </em>
</p><p>He didn’t care if he couldn’t see where he was going. He had to fucking leave. The laughter kept growing louder, drowning out his heavy breathing and footsteps. </p><p>“Leaving already? We haven’t even played your favorite game.” </p><p>He shut his eyes as he covered his ears with his hands. It did nothing but gave him a false sense of comfort. </p><p>“Which one’s better? Forehand or backhand?” </p><p>He felt something hard colliding with his chest, knocking the air out of him as he landed on his back with a thud. He had to leave. He turned over and started crawling. He had to fucking leave. </p><p>When he felt the crowbar brought down on his back, stopping him in his tracks and making him cough up blood. </p><p>“I taught you better than this.” </p><p>Jason froze at the new voice. </p><p>
  <em> No. </em>
</p><p>He felt a heavy boot kicking his side, forcing him to look up and see a very familiar black cowl. </p><p>Batman had a disgusted scowl on his face as he frowned at his failure of a Robin. “Dick wouldn’t have gotten caught in that explosion. He would’ve saved himself and that woman before the bomb exploded.” </p><p>
  <em> I have to leave. I have to leave. I have to leave.  </em>
</p><p>When he heard the crowbar clattering on the ground and felt the first punch on his face, whipping his head to the side from the force of it. </p><p>He was barely able to bring his arms up before the blows rained down on him. All the while, Batman venomously spat out. </p><p>“Pathetic. I should’ve never taken you in.” </p><p>His arms couldn’t hold up against the brutal assault anymore, falling uselessly beside him, leaving him unprotected from his father’s anger. </p><p><strike> Bruce was supposed to be different from Willis. He promised him a long time ago that he would never be like Willis. What a fucking joke. All his parents were the same in the end. </strike> </p><p>He coughed up more blood. He could feel his ribs breaking under the pressure, his lungs being crushed. He couldn’t breathe. There was no air getting in. He couldn’t fucking breathe. </p><p><em> Please! </em> He tried to plead, beg but there was no sound coming out of his mouth. <em> Stop it! Please, no more! </em> </p><p>Why couldn’t he say something? He just wanted his dad to stop. He was going to die at this rate. He doesn’t want to die. Not again. </p><p>
  <em> Dad, please stop! Dad—  </em>
</p><p>“You’re not my son.” </p><p>Jason felt his breath hitched as he gazed up in a blurred vision. He knew Bruce didn’t think of him as a son, but it still hurt to hear it confirmed out loud. </p><p>“You should’ve stayed dead.” </p><p>He could feel something crack in him and it wasn’t physically. </p><p>“This time, I’ll make sure of it.”</p><p>That was the last thing he heard before he saw a batarang flying at him. He couldn’t move, couldn’t dodge the attack just like last time. </p><p>
  <em> It’s always the ones you love that hurt you the most, isn’t that right? </em>
</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Jason shot up in bed, hand instantly touching his neck. He croaked, but only the pained whimpers were heard. </p><p>
  <em> That’s right.  </em>
</p><p>He couldn’t talk anymore. Batman made sure of it. </p><p>He was in a cold sweat, breathing heavily, as he flopped back on the bed. He was in Gotham in his safehouse. Joker wasn’t here. Batman wasn’t here. </p><p>It was just a nightmare. </p><p>
  <strike> That felt more real than reality.   </strike>
</p><p>It was only him here. He was alone. He was safe. It was just a scary fucking bad dream. He repeated it again. </p><p>He touched his neck again. </p><p>
  <em> Dad, please stop! Dad— </em>
</p><p>Yeah. He won’t be able to fall asleep anytime soon. </p><p>He rubbed a hand over his face before turning on his side only to feel a sharp pain that made him clench his teeth. </p><p>Right. He forgot about the gunshot wound. </p><p>The one he got before he rescued the Replacement. He was heading home to his favorite safehouse in Gotham <strike> (because didn’t you know? Wayne Manor wasn’t home anymore)</strike> to get it patched up when he caught sight of Robin. And he couldn’t help but watch the new kid for a bit. </p><p>He wanted to watch the perfect soldier —<em>the perfect son</em>— that Bruce managed to get his hands on. He wanted to watch the boy that he could never be. He wanted to know just how much he fell short on. </p><p>He should’ve gone straight home and dealt with the injury. Blood sluggishly flowed out of his makeshift gauze pad of a folded up shirt beneath his upper armor. </p><p>But he stayed and watched. Call it a morbid curiosity. What did Tim Drake have that he didn’t? </p><p>Easy. </p><p>He wasn’t Jason Todd. </p><p>He was obedient. He was intelligent. He wasn’t reckless. He pulled his punches with the worst offenders —didn’t beat them until they needed to be hospitalized because they were <em> rapists-pedophiles-abusers</em>. </p><p>He was the closest to Bruce’s ideal Robin. </p><p>When he first saw the kid —courtesy of Talia providing his file—, he felt hurt and rage. Because he thought he meant something to Bruce. And Drake was proof of how easy he was to be replaced.   </p><p>But now? </p><p>All he felt was numbness. </p><p>The hurt and rage no longer came to him when he stared at Robin’s face. Because he got it now. He accepted it. Drake was a better hero than he was. </p><p>And when he saw him crash into the brick wall, he just had to save him. There was enough of Robin’s blood spilled on Gotham streets. </p><p><strike>He ignored the voice that sounded like Batman on how much he contributed to that.</strike> </p><p>.</p><p>Unfortunately, being drugged meant that Tim was benched for the next two weeks. Of course, it’s out of his system now. But nonetheless, he was benched to make sure there were no unforeseen side effects. </p><p>Fuck Ra’s and his creepy ninjas. Batman’s surveillance on them didn’t suggest they had business in Gotham. So what the hell was the League doing here? </p><p>Well, with the sudden free time Tim found himself having, he could find out. </p><p>“Does Hood change his outfits sometimes?” </p><p>Tim was pulled from his thoughts when he heard Steph. She was being a good friend and keeping him company since she was mostly recovered from the flu. </p><p>“What are you talking about?” </p><p>He scooted over to where she was lounging against the headboard, his laptop on her lap, as she was watching old footage. </p><p>“I wanted to see what the big bad Hood was up to. And look.” She showed him the screen of Red Hood standing on a rooftop. “There’s no red bat on his armor.” </p><p>The image was fuzzy and blurred, but there was a clear lack of a bat symbol on his chest. </p><p>“Oh shit. I totally forgot about that.” </p><p>
  <em> He shut his mouth and just observed the second Robin with sharp analytical eyes. And he didn’t like what he saw so far. Hood’s movements were stilted and more mechanical as if someone else was pulling his strings. And the silence —the fucking quiet— was unnatural and unnerving.  </em>
</p><p>He did remember taking note of the wholly black upper armor, but it just didn’t register yet. And when he made it to the BatCave, it completely slipped his mind. He totally blames the drugs. <strike> Fuck Ra’s. </strike> </p><p>Worry and concern shone clearly in her pretty blue eyes. “What does it mean?”</p><p>Something was seriously wrong here. He knew being a Bat meant everything to Hood. He knew how much the bat symbol meant to the second Robin. </p><p>Tim had a frown on his face when he answered. “It means Jason’s breaking every tie with us.” </p><p>.</p><p>Jason gripped onto the porcelain sink tightly as he looked at the haunted boy in the mirror staring back at him. </p><p>At the black hair stuck to his forehead, matted with sweat. At that single white streak standing out. At the dark bags underneath blood-shot vivid green eyes. At that fucking slash mark on his neck. </p><p>How many times does he have to remind himself? It was only a nightmare. Just a highly realistic bad dream. </p><p>He was safe.  </p><p><strike> No, he wasn’t. </strike> </p><p>He was fucking fine.</p><p><strike>No, he isn’t.</strike> </p><p>He was breathing heavily, trying to get his emotions under control, trying to make it so he stopped feeling the ants running on his skin, the burning in his veins. </p><p>
  <em> “Let’s play a game, birdy!”  </em>
</p><p>He shut his eyes as a shrill laughter drowned out his sense. He gritted his teeth as he gripped onto the sink even tighter, his fingers turned white. </p><p>
  <em> “Which one’s better? Forehand or backhand?”  </em>
</p><p>Jason was really getting tired of hearing that fucking goddamn laughter that just wouldn’t stop. He can’t escape it. He can never escape from it. </p><p>And he can’t keep doing this. </p><p>Can’t keep waking up in a cold sweat from night terrors. Can’t keep shaking every time the Joker is out of Arkham. Can’t keep letting that bastard affect him this much. He was the motherfucking Red Hood, for fuck’s sake. </p><p>Batman wasn’t going to make something permanent for the villain who took his Robin away from him. Bruce wasn’t going to do anything about that fucker who took his son away from him. He made that very clearly. <strike> His hand shakily reached up, lightly touching the scar on his neck. </strike> </p><p>
  <em> In the end, you can only save yourself because no one else was going to.  </em>
</p><p>He won’t let the Joker have any hold over him anymore. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. I'm saving myself</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dick knew that Jason hated him, but he can’t give up on his brother. He can’t lose him again. And Jason was going to do what he should’ve done a long time ago.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>All Jason wanted was to know that he meant something to Bruce. That he was family to him. When he orchestrated that whole elaborate scheme to force Batman to choose between him and the Joker, he just wanted his dad to pick him and save him from his nightmares. </p><p>Instead, Batman chose to save the Joker —chose to put that monster’s life before his son’s. And Jason finally realized that he can't depend on his dad to save him anymore so he has to do it himself. </p><p>
  <em> Because no one was going to.  </em>
</p><p>Jason spent the next few days prepping and making contingency plans like a madman. Joker wasn’t allowed to live any longer, and he wasn’t taking any fucking chances for this to be delayed anymore. </p><p>The Bats won’t stop him. He wasn’t one of them. He didn’t have to care about that bastard’s no-killing rule. He didn’t have to give a damn about how much they’ll look down on him for this. </p><p>
  <em> He was used to their disappointment anyway. Didn’t you get the memo? He was the family’s failure. </em>
</p><p>What’s more blood on his hands anyway? </p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>How could Dick miss Hood no longer having the red bat on his chest? All those times he sought Hood out and begged him to just say something —<em>anything</em>— to him, how could he miss such an obvious sign? He was ashamed to admit that important detail flown by him in his ever-growing guilt and regrets. </p><p>
  <em> “Jason’s breaking every tie with us.”  </em>
</p><p>That’s what Tim said when he and Steph brought their findings to him. How Hood didn’t consider himself one of them any more. How this meant that he was breaking every bridge with them for good. </p><p>Dick still couldn’t believe it. But if he was being completely honest with himself, he can’t say he wasn’t expecting it. All those times Hood ignored him and took great effort to avoid him. Somewhere in his subconscious, he knew this was coming. </p><p>He stopped pacing in his bedroom. He was staying at the Manor for a little bit, worried out of his mind for his Little Wing. And he wanted to spend some time with Tim and Steph, be the big brother he should’ve been for Jason if he wasn’t such an asshole focused on his issues with Bruce. </p><p>He had to leave. He couldn’t stay here any longer. </p><p>He knew that Jason doesn’t want anything to do with them. He knew that he didn’t want him as a brother. He knew all that, but he can’t just give up on him. He swore that he won’t do that again. He won’t lose him again. </p><p>So he had to find him. He needed Jason to know that he had people who cared about him. He had people in his corner. </p><p>Even if it doesn’t work, even if Jason pushes him further away because of this, he had to try. He would never forgive himself if he didn’t otherwise. </p><p>.</p><p>Jason silently crept upon the warehouse that he knew the Joker was at —<em>having gotten out of Arkham once again, can you believe that? </em> </p><p><strike>Yeah, Batman. Gotham was feeling so safe with this broken ass system.</strike> </p><p>He dropped down from the rooftop to the rafters, hiding in the shadows and keeping out of sight. From where he was, he had a clear shot of the Joker. This was it. He pulled out his gun, aimed it at the fucker’s head, and pressed the trigger. Bull-eye’s. Perfect shot. </p><p>For all his plans, backup plans, and insurances, there was little fanfare in the Joker’s end. Jason shot him mid-monologue, a bullet right in the middle of his forehead. Before shooting the few henchmen nearby. Harley Quinn was nowhere to be seen but he couldn't concern himself with her. </p><p>He had to make sure the monster was finally gone. </p><p>He dropped down, landing with a solid thud on the concrete. He crept closer to where the Joker’s corpse was, blood pooling underneath his head. Face still arranged in that mocking farce of a smile. </p><p>But you know what? It was Jason who had the last laugh after all. It was so fucking easy. He still couldn’t believe it. </p><p>Still. </p><p>He aimed his gun again and shot a bullet straight through the heart. </p><p>The Joker was dead. He did it. He actually fucking did it. And Batman was wrong. He did feel better at the end of it. He felt happy that he pulled the trigger on the monster who constantly plagued his nightmares. </p><p>.</p><p>Jason didn’t know how long he stood there, just looking at the clown’s corpse and holding the murder weapon in his hand. </p><p>But his internal clock said that close to 10 minutes passed when he heard someone drop behind him. And he wasn’t surprised at who it was. </p><p>“Hood.” He heard Batman say in a low gruff voice. </p><p>And as was becoming the norm, he said nothing as he turned around to face the other man of his nightmares. </p><p>.</p><p>Batman was looming over Hood, trying to be intimidating and threatening with his big bulky frame. But it didn’t work with him. You can’t get any more scary than throwing a batarang at your own son’s neck after all. </p><p>“You killed the Joker.” And there was that familiar growl. Always full of disappointment and anger when directed at him. </p><p>He was surprised that Batman hadn't already taken him down when he flat out murdered his number one nemesis with a gun. </p><p>“Hood.” The hero growled again, taking a step forward when he said nothing. “I’m taking you in.” </p><p>Why not just kill him and be done with it? What good would prison do? He’ll just break out like any other Rogue —like every insane criminal Batman swore to protect Gotham from and repeatedly failed at by imprisoning them in a place where breakouts are the norm. </p><p>But no, Hood didn't say a single thing. His silence was telling. </p><p>Batman walked closer and Jason still didn’t move, just lifted his head to stare at him, gripping the gun in his hand a bit tighter which the big Bats noticed, the lenses on his cowl narrowing at the action. </p><p>It was weird. Jason was extremely aware of Bat’s presence a few feet away from him, yet all he could feel was ...nothing. He thought he would feel rage or even fear. But there was nothing. It was as if all emotions were sucked out of him. </p><p>His murderer was lying dead —it was all he ever wanted— and he just felt numb, a blank fog clouding his mind in which he didn’t feel a single thing. </p><p>He wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not when he felt the first punch. His reflex automatically pressing the trigger again, the bullet flew straight past Batman, a couple of feet away from his ear. </p><p>But that didn’t make a difference. </p><p>The Red Hood fired a gun. No matter if he wasn’t actually aiming at Batman. No matter if the bullet was way too far to actually hit Batman. </p><p>All that mattered was that he pressed the trigger. </p><p>So Batman must be completely justified in brutally attacking such a criminal. And Jason just stood by and took it. He didn’t care enough to defend himself. His murderer was dead and he just felt numb. </p><p>Even as the blows rained down on him, he just blocked and dodged. He didn’t punch, kick, or throw any of his explosive gadgets at him (like he would’ve done in the past). He was numb. Joker was dead. He didn’t want to fight anymore. </p><p>“I regret ever taking you in.” He heard Batman snarled in between sounds of fighting <strike> wasn’t really a fight though since he wasn’t participating</strike>. It was just like his nightmare coming straight to life. </p><p>
  <em> “Pathetic. I should’ve never taken you in.” </em>
</p><p>The words he could recall in his too real dreams slurred with the words Batman was currently sprouting out. </p><p>"I never wanted you to end up like this. Making you Robin was the worst mistake of my life." </p><p>
  <em> “You’re not my son. You should’ve stayed dead.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s always the ones you love that hurt you the most, isn’t that right? </em>
</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>“There’s been sightings of Joker near the docks.” Nightwing heard Oracle say in his ear. </p><p>Shit. </p><p>“And Hood was spotted heading there.” There was a hint of distress and worry in her voice. </p><p>Double shit. </p><p>“On my way.” </p><p>He cursed under his breath as he shot out his grappled gun. He was nowhere near close to the docks. If he really pushes himself, he can make it in 30. And let’s be honest, he was really pushing himself. He will not lose Jason to that fucker again. </p><p>As soon as his feet landed, he shot out his gun again, not taking a chance to fully regain his bearings. He cut corners and almost slammed into buildings if it wasn’t for his quick reflexes. But he didn’t care about that.</p><p>All he could think about was that he couldn’t be late again. All that was racing through his mind was that he couldn’t fail Jason again. </p><p>Oracle didn’t scold him for his recklessness. His comm was quiet. She must be as anxious as he was. </p><p>“Batman was spotted in the same direction.” </p><p>Fucking hell. He was pushing his body way past its limit, adrenaline and pure willpower was the only thing keeping him from being a bloody splatter on the concrete. </p><p>.</p><p>When Dick arrived at the warehouse and climbed in through one of the windows on the rooftop, he could hear sounds of fighting, hear grunts and solid hits on Kevlar uniforms. He was honestly expecting to see Batman and Hood duke it out like the numerous times before. </p><p>But when he laid eyes on the scene, he was frozen in horror and shock (he could literally hear the shocked silence from Babs as she watched through the lenses of his mask). He was not expecting Batman to beat down a completely not-even-fighting-back Red Hood. </p><p>
  <em> Why aren’t you fighting back? Do something!  </em>
</p><p>The last of his composure was shot when he saw Batman —the man who preached about unnecessary violence— punched Hood so hard that his helmet cracked. Shards of red fell and he watched as Jason collapsed on the ground <em> and not getting back up again</em>. </p><p>
  <em> Blood rushed in his ears as he heard the solid thud his parents’ bodies made when they fell.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “No!” The scream tore out of his throat, as he scrambled down the ladder to where they laid, unmoving on the floor, red pooling underneath them. But no matter how much he begged and pleaded, they wouldn’t open their eyes, wouldn’t wake up and get back up again.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He refused to believe they were—  </em>
</p><p>He saw red as anger boiled in his veins. He shot out his grappling gun and used it to gain momentum to body slam into his mentor.  </p><p>“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He snarled at Batman, taking a protective stance in front of his Little Wing. </p><p>“He killed the Joker.” </p><p>And Dick couldn’t believe he didn’t notice the body already. But there the clown was, a few feet away and lying in a growing puddle of his own blood. Jason actually did it. The Joker was dead and no one could resuscitate him this time. </p><p>But that didn’t make him step aside. If anything, the grip on his escrima sticks tightened as he settled into a fighting stance. </p><p>Batman narrowed his eyes, his own fists clenching in anger. “You’re protecting a criminal who needs to be imprisoned.”</p><p>But Nightwing has never been afraid of him. He has always stood his ground and was infamous for his stubborn temper. He lifted his chin up and glared right back at him in defiance. </p><p>“I’m protecting my brother, and you will not land another hand on him.” </p><p>That was a fucking promise. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Seeing the truth firsthand</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dick was angry and Jason was just done with everything.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dick was fucking pissed. Like yeah, Jason killed the Joker. But is beating him when he clearly can’t even defend himself supposed to be justice? </p><p>All he could see was red —<em>Jason fell and was not getting back up again. </em>Blood roared in his ears when Batman attacked first and he reciprocated. </p><p>Neither of them pulled their punches, the anger and rage clouding their minds. Dick was fighting because he had a brother to protect. Bruce was fighting because Jason wasn’t going to stop killing. He was beyond help. </p><p>“He killed the Joker!”</p><p>“So did I!” Dick snarled back, kicking Batman right in the chest making him move back a few feet back. “If you wanna lock him up, you better put me in the cell right next to him.” </p><p>Adrenaline was the only thing fueling him. It made him ignore the pain when Batman managed to slip through his defenses. It made him keep fighting, even when he knew his body was close to dropping in exhaustion. Because he won’t let Bruce get Hood. He will be damned if he fails Jason right now. </p><p>“He’s your son.” </p><p>And Batman paused slightly on that. It was only for a brief moment, but Dick caught it, thinking he was finally getting through him. </p><p>“Jason’s your son.” He repeated again in a softer voice. </p><p>Only to be socked in the jaw as <em> Batman-Bruce-his-dad </em> focused those white lenses on him. “No, he’s not.” </p><p>Dick faltered in his steps, exposing his side and it was only his quick reflexes that made him avoid a pretty vicious side kick to the abdomen. </p><p>“What the fucking hell?! You were torn over his death.” </p><p>
  <em> You blamed me for his death.  </em>
</p><p>Batman didn’t say anything more, but it wasn’t like he was expecting an answer in the first place. Because it wasn’t like he was expecting Bruce to put away Batman for the sake of his kids. </p><p><strike> When he never did before. </strike> </p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>The fight with Batman felt neverending, but Nightwing’s internal clock said it was only 15 minutes. </p><p>He was breathing heavily, cuts and bruises littered his body, sweat matted his hair to his forehead. His body was tense and coiled up. Adrenaline still pumped in his veins and he just knew that when it faded, the exhaustion and pain was going to feel like a bitch. </p><p>But he couldn’t help his lips from curling up in a satisfactory smile as he looked down. </p><p>Batman looked worse, laying there on the ground where he couldn’t move a muscle, beaten up and injured just as bad. </p><p>Because Bruce might have been trained by masters. But Dick was trained by Bruce and the rest of the Justice League founders. He learned from Deathstroke and a multitude of others. Under his pretty smile and blinding charisma lies a man who was just as dangerous as Batman, maybe even more so. </p><p>People tended to forget that. Bruce won’t make the same mistake next time. </p><p>“Are you happy?” Batman growled before gritting his teeth when pain flared up on his side where Nightwing dealt him a hard hit with his escrima sticks. </p><p>Dick cocked his head to the side as he just stood there, staring down at him with a cold look. </p><p>At the man who took him in after his parents died and gave him a home and a family again. At the man who taught him so many things and he will forever be grateful for that. </p><p>But he was also looking at the man who fired him twice and left him floundering without a support system. <em> (“Get out of my house and leave the keys with Alfred.”) </em> At the man who never once apologized for punching him in the face and blaming him for Jason’s death <em> (“It’s your fault that my son is dead!” </em>); he simply buried that incident as if it never happened. </p><p>At the man who beat his Little Wing when he was defenseless. </p><p>He knew Hood was a criminal, knew the blood that stains his brother’s hands but he didn’t deserve this. It wasn’t justice. It was abuse. </p><p>
  <em> You changed, Bruce. And it wasn’t for the better. Tim said that Batman needed a Robin but you don’t deserve us.  </em>
</p><p>“You won’t go after Hood anymore, Batman.” It was a promise and a threat, wrapped up in one. Even after everything, he still loved Bruce <em> (he was his dad) </em> and his heart clenched at the thought of fighting him, but he loved his brothers more. “This is goodbye.” </p><p>It was only a few words but they held a tone of finality. </p><p>Nightwing was drawing the line and he was siding against Gotham’s Dark Knight. </p><p>.</p><p>“I alerted Agent A to collect him with the Batmobile.” Oracle said, the distaste in her voice clearly showing whose side she was on. </p><p>Dick put away his escrima sticks and made his way to Jason who was still not getting up. The worst of his fears were allayed when he checked his pulse and found it steady and beating. Jason was simply unconscious. </p><p>He tapped his comm. “I’m taking Hood to my safehouse.” </p><p>“Good. I’ll make it hard for B to find you. Are you planning to head to Bludhaven after you patch him up?” </p><p>“Yeah. We can’t stay in Gotham.” He can’t be near Bruce right now. And he just can’t— <em> his head shot up in alarm </em>. “Where’s Robin and Batgirl?” </p><p>“Batgirl’s home and Robin’s with his team in San Francisco.”</p><p>“He’s supposed to be benched and resting after what the League did.” Although he was happy that Tim was nowhere near Gotham. He shouldn’t be around for this. </p><p>“He’s stubborn like you and he wanted to spend some time with his other friends.” He could hear the smile in her voice before her tone turned somber. “I can handle things here. I’ll explain the situation to everyone. We won’t let Bruce get away with this.”</p><p>
  <em> He crossed the line.  </em>
</p><p>It was a thought they both shared. </p><p>While Dick talked with Babs, he was checking over Jason and he could feel his ire towards Bruce rising with every injury he finds. </p><p>There were little red shards embedded around his right eye (luckily, not in it) and cheek. His left arm was swollen and broken. Jason most likely had a few broken ribs too. He saw how hard Batman punched him. There were a few deep wounds on his chest (some of it made with a batarang —he recognized the precise slash marks) but nothing life-threatening. The only piece of good news here. </p><p>Because he knew Jason would never forgive him if he went to Leslie’s or a hospital. But he would rather be hated than to have to bury a brother again. </p><p>Jason was heavy with his bulkier and taller frame, but Dick managed to bridal carry him. Luckily, his safehouse wasn’t too far away from here for a temporary patch up before they should head to Bludhaven. The faster away from Batman, the better. </p><p>“And N?” He heard Babs say, worry and concern clear in her voice. No doubt she could see Jason’s injuries through his mask. “Take care of him.” </p><p>“Don’t worry, I will.” </p><p>It was another promise he will not fail at. </p><p>.</p><p>Jason started waking up (eyes opening and body twitching) when Dick arrived at his safehouse, but he didn’t say anything. He kept his eyes down as Dick led him to sit on the couch. He was so quiet and still. It was unnerving. </p><p>Dick busied himself with finding his first aid kit and a few towels, but he couldn’t stop himself from glancing at his brother every now and then. His worry grew as the silence thickened. </p><p>
  <em> Why didn’t you fight back? Why did you let Bruce hurt you like that?  </em>
</p><p>The shattered red helmet was on the counter and his anger threatened to break out again. Like what the fuck Bruce? Jason could’ve had a serious head injury or extensive brain damage because of that stunt. </p><p>He put the supplies down on the small coffee table and kneeled down in front of Jason, </p><p>“Hey, you with me, Little Wing?” Dick felt his concern skyrocket at how his teal eyes were glazed over and how they just looked right through him. Shit, was Jason dissociating right now? </p><p>He reached up and laid a hand on his little brother’s cheek. “Jason?” </p><p>He couldn’t help but flinch slightly when blank teal eyes focused on him. </p><p>
  <em> What the hell did you do, Bruce?  </em>
</p><p>.</p><p>Jason felt like he was floating —although maybe that was too vague of a description. He just knew that whatever was up with his head right now made him able to feel detached from reality. And he really likes that feeling. </p><p>Because it meant that he couldn’t feel Bruce hurt him over and over again. He couldn’t feel his heart breaking and shattering with every punch and kick. He couldn’t feel just how worthless and pathetic he truly was. </p><p>Even though he couldn’t feel anything didn’t mean he wasn’t aware of what was going on around him. He was but only vaguely. It was like watching through the lenses of somebody else’s fucked up life, not his own. </p><p>For some time, he blacked out —<em>how was it that Batman keeps giving him more trauma than the fucking Joker?  </em></p><p>And when he came to, he was in Nightwing’s safehouse. And the Bludhaven hero was trying to help him, coax him into coming back to the real world. </p><p>Why would he want to face reality? With all of its broken ass lies and pain. </p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Jason wanted to hate Grayson for taking him out of that floaty headspace where nothing can touch him, where he doesn’t even have to feel all the hurt and pain that <em> his dad </em> dished out. </p><p>But hearing Dick’s soft and patient voice made the anger disappear, and he just wanted to cry. Because being treated so gently and fragile like he was something precious broke something in him. </p><p>
  <em> He doesn’t deserve this.  </em>
</p><p>He wasn’t worth it. </p><p>There was nothing left for him now. Joker was dead. Batman wants to lock him up. And was he really doing good in Crime Alley? </p><p>He was so fucking tired. He wished he had a gun in his hand. He wished he could just put an end to this. </p><p>
  <em> Was that too much to fucking ask for?  </em>
</p><p>“Hey, Little Wing.” Dick had a soft smile on his face. “You with me, now?” </p><p>He nodded and averted his eyes. He couldn’t stand the fondness in those blue eyes. </p><p>
  <em> Because he doesn’t fucking deserve this.  </em>
</p><p>“Can I bandage your wounds?” </p><p>He said nothing, but he shrugged off his brown leather jacket and upper armor. He was a mess. Blue and black bruises decorated his torso and red sluggishly flowed down. </p><p>He saw the flash of anger that crossed Dick’s face. </p><p>
  <em> Why would he be angry? </em>
</p><p>“I swear I won’t let him hurt you again.” He stared at Jason’s face, seemingly searching for something. Jason didn’t know what he was looking for, but apparently he didn’t find it because he let out a quiet sigh. </p><p>.</p><p>
  <em> Jason didn’t believe him. He didn’t believe anyone was on his side. He didn’t understand why Dick was angry that Bruce beat him up.  </em>
</p><p>Dick tried not to let that get him down as he picked up the first aid supplies and went to work. He gently took out the red shards from his face and put a splint for the broken arm. He carefully and meticulously cleaned and wrapped the rest of the injuries. He talked about his police officer job, the neighbors in his apartment, and other mundane stuff. He made sure not to mention any Bat or superhero business —he wasn’t sure if Jason would retreat further into himself if he did. </p><p>Jason didn’t gain that blank look again (which was good), but he still did not say a single thing. He didn’t even tense or grunt in pain as he took care of his wounds even though he knew these injuries must’ve hurt like hell. </p><p>He was so very quiet and still. So unlike the feisty and brash Jason who had no qualms saying whatever was on his mind. </p><p>When Dick was done, he gently grabbed Jason’s hands, rubbing circles on his skin in a comforting manner. His body language saying <em> I’m here for you-I won’t leave you again-I’ll take care of you.  </em></p><p>With teary eyes, he was practically begging at this point just to hear his brother’s voice again. </p><p>“Little Wing, please just say something.” </p><p>.</p><p>And the honest desperation in those bright blue eyes made something ache in Jason’s heart —the part where he just wanted somebody on his side, just wanted someone to listen. That small part he thought he snuffed out was what made him lift his hands and use sign language to tell him the truth. </p><p>
  <em> “I’m mute.”  </em>
</p><p>“You— you can’t talk?” Dick’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What? Like temporarily?” </p><p>Jason gestured towards the hideous jagged scar across his neck. He saw Dick freeze at the sight.</p><p>
  <em> “Permanently.”  </em>
</p><p>.</p><p>Dick felt his heart stop when he saw the scar. Thoughts ran rampant in his mind. How? What happened? Who did it? </p><p>“How long?” </p><p>Jason stared at him with an unreadable expression for a long few seconds before moving his hands slowly and clearly. </p><p>
  <em> “Six months.”  </em>
</p><p>And his eyes widened. Six months ago was when Red Hood had his confrontation with Batman before dropping off the grid. A horrified look crossed his face as he connected the dots.</p><p>No. </p><p>
  <em> No. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I tried my best with the Nightwing vs. Batman scene, but fighting scenes are not my strength. TL;DR - Dick beat the shit out of Bruce and won. </p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>I love reading your comments and thoughts. And a few of you guys have guessed correctly on how this story will progress. </p><p>Spoiler alert: Roy will appear soon. And who doesn’t love the Outlaws?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. You don't deserve this</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The aftermath of Dick learning the truth.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jason didn’t know why he thought he would feel satisfaction when Grayson’s bright blue eyes shattered when he realized the truth and exactly what kind of <em> man </em> Batman was <em> (this is your defender-your hero-this is who you stand by)</em>. </p><p>But he just felt sad staring at how broken and betrayed Dick looked. Because he knew how much the Golden boy loved Bruce. Even when they had their fights and screaming matches, he knew that Dick still thought the world of Bruce. </p><p>“Does Bruce know?” Dick’s voice was quiet and subdued. </p><p>Jason shrugged. </p><p>Maybe. Maybe not. </p><p>But it was Batman who threw the batarang. He should’ve known what could happen with such a sharp and deadly weapon. And he still threw it at his son’s throat. So he should’ve known the damage that was dealt to him, right?</p><p>It didn’t surprise him that Bruce wouldn’t tell the others what happened. He always keeps his flaws and mistakes close to his chest. </p><p>He was just sad that Dick had to find out like this. He didn’t deserve to have his faith in his hero shatter like this. </p><p>
  <em> Why can’t he do anything right? He’s always ruining everything. </em>
</p><p>“I don’t—I don’t understand.” Dick stammered, no doubt trying to justify this travesty to the family’s black sheep. “How could he do that to you?!”</p><p>Jason was blown away by the honest anger. Out of everything he thought Grayson would feel, he wasn’t expecting the raw rage the man was currently showing. But why would he be angry? </p><p>It took awhile, but Jason got it. He was a criminal. Batman puts down criminals. It was simple. </p><p>Dick kept shooting him questions (asking what happened, who treated the injury, why didn’t he come to them), but he didn’t want to “talk” anymore. He put his arms down. He was tired. His signing was choppy and made of jerky movements—he was just glad that Dick could understand him with this bitch of a broken arm (<strike>again, thanks dad</strike>).  </p><p>He laid his head back against the couch and closed his eyes, doing his best to ignore the other’s presence.  </p><p>He was so fucking tired. </p><p>.</p><p>Dick was ashamed to admit that he had to get out of the room. His hands were shaking (he wanted to punch Bruce again). He knew he shouldn’t have left Jason alone. Not when he had already disassociated before. But he just had to leave. </p><p>Jason didn’t deserve this. Fuck Bruce and his black and white view. Six months his Little Wing had to deal with this on his own. How the hell could he have missed this? How the hell could he have failed so much? </p><p>He would never get to hear his brother’s voice or hear him laugh again. </p><p>
  <em> What the hell did you do, Bruce?  </em>
</p><p>He went into his bedroom and grabbed his comm. Oracle was still on duty. He probably shouldn’t bother her but he really needed to talk to someone. </p><p>He turned it on to their private channel. </p><p>“I fucked up. We fucked up so much.” He immediately choked in a broken voice. He laid his head in his hands, the tears silently falling down his face. He learned to keep his cries quiet when he was younger. It hasn’t disappeared as he got older. If anything, he learned how to completely silence them. </p><p>“Dick, what’s wrong?” Babs immediately said, her full of concern and worry. “Did something happen with Jason?”</p><p>He nodded even though he knew that she couldn’t see it and took a deep breath. Contrary to his tumultuous emotions, his voice was steady (just a little shaky) as he said. “Jay’s mute. Batman did it.”</p><p>“<em>He did what? </em>” He no longer heard the clicks and clacks of her fingers typing on a keyboard. He could only imagine that she was frozen in shock. </p><p>“There’s a really nasty scar on his neck. He said Bruce did that.” <br/><br/>More tears appeared in his eyes.</p><p>“Babs, he can’t talk. He won’t be able to talk again.” He rambled, the tears fell faster. He wasn’t enough to save his parents. He wasn’t enough to stop his brother from experiencing more pain. Why was he constantly failing at the things that were actually important? “I won’t hear him rant about literature again or laugh or— or—” </p><p>“It’s okay, Boy Wonder.” Babs interrupted, her voice gentle and calm. It grounded him. If he closed his eyes, he could imagine her hands running through his hair in a soothing manner. “It's going to be okay. We’re here for him now. We’ll make Bruce pay.” </p><p>“Okay.” His voice was hoarse, almost inaudible. </p><p>“You know,” She changed the subject to something she knew would bring a smile to his face. “Alfred’s really pissed at Bruce. You should’ve seen the way he passive-aggressively stitched up B’s wounds.” </p><p>He let out a soft laugh. “I can imagine.” </p><p>Alfred will definitely not be pleased once he learns Bruce took away Jason’s voice. Everyone knew the butler had a soft spot for Jay. The boy who he would discuss classic English literature and share tea with. The boy he taught how to cook. The boy who always had a smile for Alfie. </p><p>“Here’s what we are going to do.” Babs took charge like the amazing woman she was. “I’m going to find out exactly what happened before Hood went AWOL. And you are going to give Jason lots of hugs and love. Make sure to give him a really big hug from me.” </p><p>He broke out in a huge smile (his guilt was still there but he no longer felt like he would burst out in tears at any moment). “Don’t worry. I will.” </p><p>.</p><p>Jason heard when Dick entered the living room (he wasn’t exactly being quiet). But he still didn’t open his eyes. He was tired and wanted to sleep. <strike> Possibly forever.   </strike></p><p>He heard and felt the man sit right next to him on the couch. He opened his eyes to stare at him, body language clearly saying <em> “What do you want?”  </em></p><p>Why can’t Grayson just leave him alone? Why the hell is he even sticking around? Why can’t he go back to being Nightwing who beat up Hood for killing people? </p><p>Dick swallowed, glancing at the hideous scar on his neck that he hasn’t bothered to cover back up (<em>What was the point? He already saw</em>). </p><p>“Can I hug you?” </p><p>Jason simply stared at him as if he was crazy. Since when did Grayson ask for permission when invading people’s personal space? </p><p>
  <strike> Since when did Dick care about him? </strike>
</p><p>He shrugged, trying to seem numb and indifferent. Even when he wanted to cry when Dick carefully wrapped his arms around him (being mindful of his healing wounds). It was warm and caring and loving. He felt he was one of Dick’s precious family. </p><p>And that almost brought tears to his eyes. Because he doesn’t deserve this. </p><p>He knows the blood on his hands will forever stain him in the eyes of the Bats with their strict moral codes. He knows that this is just a temporary thing. Dick surely wouldn’t be here if he knew how he tried to get Bruce to kill the Joker and break his code. If Grayson finds out, he’ll side with Bruce for sure. Killing is a giant no-no no matter what. </p><p>Still. Even while knowing all that, he couldn’t help but lean into Dick’s warmth and comfort. He couldn’t help but feel loved by the one person he wished would treat him like he’s worth something. </p><p>Fuck. He really wants to return back to that floaty headspace. Everything was so much better when he didn’t have to deal with all these fucking complicated emotions. </p><p>“I’m so sorry for not being there for you, Jason.”</p><p>What did he have to apologize for? He wasn’t expecting the Golden boy to save him. </p><p>“I’m sorry for not being a better brother to you before.” </p><p>There was a slight shakiness in his voice. Fuck, was Dick crying? Now, he feels bad for making him cry. </p><p>“Bruce was wrong. You deserve so much better, you know that, right?” </p><p>Jason leveled a blank look at him, one eyebrow raised in stunned disbelief as if he couldn’t believe such a notion was true. His broken arm still hurt and his hands shook when he “talked” but he had to tell Dick the truth. </p><p>He didn’t want to be hurt again when the man with all his warm hugs and comforting touches inevitably leaves him because he wasn’t worth the trouble in the end. It was better that Dick knew he was a hopeless case now before he wasted time trying to fix what can’t be fixed. </p><p>
  <strike> Batman was right all along, wouldn’t you know?  </strike>
</p><p>
  <em> “I don’t.” </em>
</p><p>“Little Wing, no—”</p><p>
  <em> “I killed people.”  </em>
</p><p>“That’s—”</p><p>
  <em> “You can’t love me.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <strike> <em> No one can. </em> </strike>
</p><p>.</p><p>The worst part of this was that Jason really believed he was unlovable. Dick hated the dead resigned look in those teal eyes. </p><p>
  <em> What the hell did you do, Bruce?  </em>
</p><p>“No, Jason.” He put his hands over Jason’s, gently but firmly so he couldn’t object. “I love you so much. You’re my baby brother. You’re worth the damn world.” </p><p>He could see the disbelief in Jason’s face and body language. </p><p>Dick looked at him right in the eye. “I fought Bruce for you.” </p><p>He wasn’t lying. Jason couldn’t believe it. Golden boy fighting against Batman. And for a piece of shit like him? Unbelievable. He can’t believe it. </p><p><em> Why? </em> He saw Jason mouth since his hands were out of commission. </p><p>“Because he was wrong to beat you. You killed people, but you didn’t deserve that. It wasn’t justice. It was abuse.”</p><p>He had to make sure Jason knew that what Bruce did wasn’t right. </p><p>“No matter what Batman thinks, the world doesn’t run on a black and white view.” </p><p>It was then that Dick dropped the biggest bombshell he ever heard. </p><p>“I killed the Joker for you.”</p><p>Dick could see and feel Jason’s body completely freeze up when he said that. </p><p>“I killed the Joker,” He repeated. “He was mocking you. He taunted us about how he killed you, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I beat him with my fists until he took his last breath.” </p><p>Jason was shocked speechless. His arms were trembling. Even if Dick wasn’t holding his hands, he wouldn’t have been able to get a word out. Tears blurred his vision. </p><p>He didn’t even care that Joker still ran around before he put a bullet in him. Dick killed the Joker for him. He broke his no-kill rule for him. </p><p>Ever since he came back to life, all he wanted to know was that someone missed him. When he came back, he saw he was replaced by a shinier new model. And he was left forgotten, told like a boogeyman tale of what not to do, a cautionary tale of what happens when Robins don't listen to Batman. He was reduced to <em> A Good Soldier </em> —not a single ounce of love behind it. </p><p>All he wanted to know was that someone actually cared about him —the little Crime Alley boy named Jason Todd.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It’s intentional that Jason changes how he calls Dick. Grayson was the distant brother who hated him. Dick was the good brother he wished he had. And Jason goes back and forth about how he perceives him (he wants a brother like the rest of the Bats, but he remembers how the first Robin treated him before which results in these conflicting feelings —it doesn’t help how Dick treats him gently now). </p><p>And Babs &amp; Dick’s relationship is completely platonic here. I’m not really focusing on romance but on family bonding and healing. </p><p>.</p><p>So a few of you guys were saying how the last couple of chapters gave you Rhato #25 flashbacks. I would like to state for the record that I despised that issue. Jason did shoot Cobblepot against Batman’s orders, but that did not give him the right for Bruce to fucking beat him until he was almost dead. Jason wasn’t even fighting back. (Thank fuck Roy was there). The most heartbreaking part was when it was revealed that Bruce tore the bat symbol from his chest. My heart hurt.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. You're alive</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Roy is finally here.</p><p> </p><p>Edited: 2/17/21</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When the phone rang just after midnight and Dick’s name was on the screen, Roy wasn’t sure what he was expecting. But hearing him bursting into sobs and rambling an incoherent mess was definitely not it. </p><p>Oh shit. Was Dick drinking? Did he have to go pick his ass up at a bar or something? </p><p>Until some of his rambling became more clear and <em> what the fuck do you mean Jason is alive? Are we talking about the same kid that died and was buried six feet under four years ago? No, just saying Lazarus Pits does not explain the whole story.  </em></p><p>And Dick rambled on about how Batman hurt Hood badly, how Bruce made Jason mute, and how he had no idea what he was doing right now. </p><p>“Okay.” He interrupted, a half-baked plan forming in his mind. “Where are you now?”</p><p>“At one of my safehouses in Gotham. I was planning on heading to Haven tomorrow.” </p><p>“Where’s Jason?” </p><p>“He’s sleeping right now.” </p><p>Okay. Lian was staying over at Dinah’s for the weekend. He can do this. It was currently 12:27. And it was about an hour and a half drive from Metropolis. “I’m on my way.” </p><p>“....What?” </p><p>“I’m heading to Gotham now.” </p><p>Roy may not have the whole picture. But one thing he knew for sure was that he had to go to Gotham. Dick definitely needed him. And apparently, Jason was alive and by the sounds of it, he needed him too. </p><p>“You’re busy, though.” Dick protested. “I can’t just ask you to drop everything for me. What about Lian? And your job?”</p><p>“I can take vacation days and Lian’s staying with Dinah for 2 more days.” And he did not trust Dick in his precariously emotional state to be able to drive to Bludhaven and not get into an accident. “Besides, isn’t this why you called me?” </p><p>He didn’t hear anything for a few minutes before Dick said quietly. “You know what it’s like to have a shitty mentor. I was hoping you could give me some tips on how to cope.” </p><p>Roy’s blood froze. The thing was he didn’t cope. He turned to drugs and got himself addicted. The only reason he was able to get back on his feet was thanks to his daughter and the combined efforts of Hal and Dinah. </p><p>“Don’t be like me.” He answered back just as quietly. The realization that Dick was younger than him by a few years suddenly struck him. And the fear that gripped him imagining Dickie with track marks on his arm like him was absolutely terrifying. “Dickie, just don’t do what I did.” </p><p>“Roy…” </p><p>That incredibly soft and gentle tone brought tears to his eyes. Classic Dick Grayson: no matter his own problems, he’ll put that aside for his friends. </p><p>Roy cut him off. He didn’t feel like hearing the same old spiel of how it was okay and it wasn’t his fault. “Don’t.”</p><p>He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He grabbed his keys off the kitchen counter. “I’m leaving right now. I’ll be in Gotham at 2, maybe earlier.”</p><p>There shouldn’t be much traffic at this time of night. </p><p>Luckily, Dick accepted the subject change. “Okay. I’ll text you the address.” </p><p>.</p><p>Jason didn’t sleep long before the nightmares woke him up. </p><p>
  <em> Dad, please stop! Dad—  </em>
</p><p>He blinked his eyes a few times, waiting until his surroundings became less blurry. He was still in Dick’s safehouse. On the couch with a soft fuzzy blanket over him. </p><p>“Oh hey, you’re up.” Dick entered the room with a bright smile, his phone in hand. “Are you feeling any better?”</p><p>He shrugged. He doesn’t want to analyze his confusing emotions. </p><p>“Okay. Do you want some water?”</p><p>His throat was feeling kind of scratchy so he gave a small nod. Dick beamed at him again before crossing the room to get to the kitchen area. </p><p>“Oh, by the way, Roy's coming over.” </p><p>He felt his body stiffen. Because could it be? Roy...<em> Harper</em>? </p><p>“Do you remember him? He used to be Speedy.” </p><p>How could he forget that stupid yellow hat?</p><p>He absentmindedly took the glass of water Dick held out to him. Roy was the one guy among Grayson’s friends who saw him as his own person, as Jason and not Robin’s poor excuse of a replacement. He was the only person who gave the street kid a chance. </p><p>He was unaware of it, but a tiny little smile appeared on his face. </p><p>.</p><p>Barbara felt numb and empty, her hands folded in her lap. She found the cowl footage of that night. Bruce hid it from them, but she found it. The video of Red Hood and Batman’s confrontation six months ago. </p><p>And it was so much worse than they thought. </p><p>She almost didn’t want to call Dick. Because she knew his temper really was going to blow when he saw what happened. But she couldn’t keep this from him. She knew that but she couldn’t bring herself to call him just yet. </p><p>She stared at her screens, at the batarang slicing Hood’s neck playing over and over, at Batman throwing it over and over again. She could practically see it behind her eyelids when she closed her eyes. She didn’t close out of the window though. </p><p>A twisted sense of punishment, maybe? </p><p>When Bruce first introduced Jason, she constantly compared him to Dick. Because to her, Dick was the Boy Wonder, not this wanna-be kid. He was too brash, too reckless, and too violent. But the little punk grew on her. They were starting to get along. They would talk about literature, the latest in Gotham socialite gossip, and poke fun at Daddybats. And she started seeing him as a little brother. </p><p>Could she have prevented all of this if she was just a better person to him from the beginning? She’ll never know. </p><p><strike>She clenched her fists.</strike> </p><p>What she did know was that what B did was not right. Jason deserves justice. He deserves so much better. </p><p>
  <em> What the hell have you turned into Bruce?  </em>
</p><p>.</p><p>When Roy walked in the safehouse, he knew what to expect. Dick warned him about it but still. Seeing how injured Jason was and that ugly jagged scar across his neck made his anger flare up. Because Batman did that to his own son. </p><p>Jason shot to his feet when he caught sight of Roy, making a move towards him before stopping himself and standing still, hands twitching at his sides, uncertainty clear on his face. He was happy to hear that Roy was coming here earlier, but now that he was faced with the man? He could feel the guilt overwhelming him. </p><p>
  <strike> <em> I left him. </em> </strike>
</p><p>Roy stared back, his heart already bleeding for him. He hid all of his anger towards Wayne behind a warm smile. </p><p>“Hey, Jaybird.” </p><p>He was not expecting him to rush towards him, crossing the few feet of space between them. Although he didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around a crying Jason (letting out wordless pained whimpers) who was clutching his shirt tightly in his hands as if he was going to disappear at any moment. </p><p>Roy ran his hand through his black hair, murmuring assurances and comfort all the while. “I’m here, Jaybird. I’m right here. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.” </p><p>Jason was shaking, trembling, tears kept falling down his face. He didn’t remember when they ended up on the floor. What a sight it must be. Him, the big bad Red Hood, curled into himself and bawling like a fucking baby. </p><p>But he couldn’t bring himself to care. </p><p>Because this was Roy. The one person who always had his back. And what did he do? He left to go to Ethiopia thinking that he could get another chance at a mother’s love. And ended up dead. </p><p>When he came back, he immediately searched up on Roy and found out that he got addicted to drugs like Catherine. He wasn’t there for his best friend. He promised to be there for him. He should’ve been there for him. Roy could’ve ended up dead and he would have to live with that guilt for the rest of his supposed second chance at life. </p><p>How many more people is he going to let down? Why couldn’t he ever be good enough for someone?   </p><p>His mouth opened and closed as he tried to get the words out through his <em> sobs-cries-tears</em>. <strike>Why couldn’t he say anything?</strike> Before he felt the phantom pain at his throat and remembered that he couldn’t talk. He resorted to tapping on Roy’s arm in Morse code, movements shaky and jerky as he tried to tell him a million things. </p><p>
  <em> I’m sorry.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I promised to come back.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I didn’t mean to lie.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I’m so sorry.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Forgive me.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Please.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I’m sorry.  </em>
</p><p>Roy shook his head, his own tears blurring his vision as he hugged Jason back (being mindful of his numerous bandaged injuries). “Stop that, you idiot. It’s not your fault. I swear you have nothing to be sorry for.” </p><p>Jason buried his head in the crook of his neck. </p><p>
  <em> I missed you.  </em>
</p><p>“I missed you too, Jaybird. I’m so happy that you’re here.”</p><p>And Jason’s breath hitched. Because no one ever told him —the stupid Crime Alley kid— that they were glad he was alive.  </p><p>He never knew how much he needed to hear that until Roy said it. </p><p>God, did he miss him. </p><p>.</p><p>It didn’t feel right staying there and watching Jason cry. Dick felt like he was intruding on a personal and private moment. So he left and went to his bedroom. He sat at the foot of his bed, head in his hands, just wondering what the hell he was doing. Hearing Jason’s sniffles and cries made his heart ache and his guilt grow. </p><p>When Little Wing fell asleep earlier, he was suddenly struck with the realization of just how young he looks. It just hit him that Jason never got to grow up. He never got to experience being a teenager. He died when he was 15. And now he was 19. </p><p>He came to Gotham, angry and so full of rage.  He wreaked havoc in the city’s criminal empires. He attacked the Bats, almost killed them. He did kill people, ones who were in his way and those who broke his self-imposed rules. It was against their number one rule. Dick knew that he was a criminal. </p><p>But. </p><p>It wasn’t Batman beating a criminal. It was Bruce beating his son. </p><p>He had to talk to someone. He loved Wally but he couldn’t talk about this with him. He needed someone who would understand. So he called Roy. </p><p>He wasn’t expecting him to come straight to Gotham. But he was glad. He saw the small smile Jason didn’t know he had on. He knew how close the two were before he died.</p><p>
  <em> “I killed people. You can’t love me.”  </em>
</p><p>His mood further plummeted as his mind threw back his failures at him. That’s what Jason said earlier. He thought love was conditional. He didn’t think he was worthy of love. </p><p>And Dick’s chest tightened. </p><p>How could he have failed his little brother so badly? What good was he as a hero if he couldn’t even save his family? </p><p>
  <em> He failed his Dya and Dat and now he was failing his Little Wing.  </em>
</p><p>He didn’t know if it was good or not when his comm beeped, bringing him out of his spiraling depressive thoughts. </p><p>Babs has something. </p><p>.</p><p>Even with the <em> warm-tangible-crying </em> proof in his arms, Roy still couldn’t believe it. </p><p>Jason Todd was alive.</p><p>The Robin he used to team up with when he was Speedy. They were good friends. The perfect duo, better than Wally and Dick he might add. They were going to be superhero partners for life. They had a pact and everything (okay that sounds really dorky and stupid now but they were kids). </p><p>Then Jason died. He started getting into fights with Ollie. And he turned to heroin. And everything was just spiraling out of control after that. </p><p>Until Hal found him on the streets and Dinah forced him into rehab. And Lian (his perfect beautiful daughter) came into his life. And now Jason was alive again. </p><p>Roy couldn’t stop the tears from falling. Not that he really tried. Because he never thought that he would get his Jaybird back.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Romani translations:<br/>Dya - mom<br/>Dat - dad </p><p>.</p><p>Okay. Can you tell I just love Jason and Roy’s bromance?  </p><p> </p><p>EDITED: I removed the Romanian translation and replaced it with the correct Romani ones because my ignorant dumbass thought they were the same thing and when I researched further, I found out that this was not the case. I am terribly sorry if I offended someone because of this.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. You don't deserve him</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dick confronts Bruce and Alfred is not pleased when he learns what happened to Jason.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roy didn’t know how long he'd been hugging and comforting Jason on the floor, but he felt a good while had passed before Jay cried himself to sleep. And he carefully and quietly got up and laid him on the couch with a blanket over him. </p><p>Before leaving to go find Dick. Who was in his bedroom, sitting on the bed, back against the headboard. His body was tense and still as he watched something on his laptop. </p><p>“Dick?” </p><p>He startled and immediately looked up at him. There were visible tear tracks on his face. </p><p>Roy was suddenly alarmed as he crossed the room, a million thoughts running in his head. “What happened?” </p><p>
  <em> Was it Bruce again? Or maybe the kids were in trouble? He heard Tim was hanging out with Conner and Bart in San Francisco, but Steph was still in Gotham.  </em>
</p><p>Dick unclenched his fists before turning the laptop around and pressed play. </p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Roy was left reeling. </p><p>Did Batman seriously think Joker’s life was worth more than his own son? That it was fine if Jason was hurt but not his greatest nemesis? </p><p>
  <em> What the actual fuck?  </em>
</p><p>Dick suddenly stood up, his vision clouded in red, pulsing hot anger coursing in his veins as he kept seeing the batarang slicing Hood’s throat over and over, the horrifying scene committed to memory. “I’m sorry. I have to go. I have to know what the fuck Bruce was thinking.” </p><p>His emotions were in turmoil. </p><p>Roy wasn’t any better. </p><p>His throat felt dry and scratchy. He had promised to be there for Jason. He was supposed to be there for him. </p><p>
  <em> You didn’t even know he was alive.  </em>
</p><p>Too high on drugs. Too focused on his own fucking issues. </p><p>Back then, he didn’t care about anything. Not the world he turned his back on. Not his friends he was an asshole to. He didn’t give a shit about anything but the euphoric feeling the drugs gave him —that mind-numbing happy space where nothing could touch him and he didn’t have to feel the hurt and pain he knew he couldn’t handle. </p><p>But he pushed all that aside. Now wasn’t the time to think about that. Now he had to think about Dick and Jason. </p><p>Roy gave Dick an understanding look. He wasn’t feeling at all charitable towards Batman either. “Ok. I’ll be here with Jason. Make sure to punch Bruce for me.”  </p><p>Dick nodded distractedly before heading out the room and out the door. The only thing running through his mind was: </p><p>
  <em> What the hell did you do, Bruce?  </em>
</p><p>.</p><p>Barbara’s face was emotionless as she gazed at the computer screens and typed away on her keyboard. On the outside, she looked infallible. </p><p>Even though on the inside, her emotions were going through the wringer. She felt <em> anger-fear-confusion</em>. She was a fucking mess, but that didn’t stop her from being Oracle or Barbara Gordon. </p><p>Dick needed her to be strong right now. Jason needed her too. Steph, Tim, Cass, and Alfred needed her to be strong. And she won’t let them down. </p><p>Earlier on the comm (before she sent him that video because she knew what his immediate reaction would be), she and Dick made a game plan. </p><p>After a few hours of sleep, he’s going to Bludhaven with Jason and Roy since he doesn’t trust Jay to be safe in Gotham. Frankly, neither did she. He needs to get out of this hellhole of a city. </p><p>And then Dick is going to get Tim under his custody. She was already working on the paperwork and computer trail for it so Bruce couldn’t refute it. </p><p>But unfortunately, she couldn’t leave Gotham. She had her dad to think about and Steph. Steph wouldn’t leave, not if it means leaving her mom behind and she could never ask that of her protege. Not to mention, that someone needed to keep an eye on Batman and she was the best one for the job. </p><p>Seeing that disgusting video and how close Batman was to killing Jason, neither of them wanted to take any chances leaving the kids alone with him. </p><p>There has been enough blood spilled. </p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Dick stormed into the BatCave, a thunderous expression on his face. He wasn’t sure if he was surprised or not to see the fucker he was looking for at the BatComputer. </p><p>
  <em> Nothing can stop the Bat once he’s on a mission, huh?  </em>
</p><p>
  <strike> <em> How much does that apply to his children? </em> </strike>
</p><p>His fists were trembling, his hold over his temper shaky as he looked straight at Bruce’s back who gave no indication he heard him, simply typing away as if nothing was wrong. </p><p>
  <em> How dare he act like everything was fine.  </em>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>“What the fucking hell, Bruce?!” </em> </b>
</p><p>“Master Dick.” He heard Alfred’s surprised and scolding tone. But he couldn’t find it in him to feel bad. </p><p>All he could feel was a burning anger, a dangerous rage just thrumming underneath his skin. He saw the scar on Jason’s neck, but it was still horrifying to see the batarang slicing his throat wide open, the blood spilling everywhere. </p><p>
  <em> How the hell did he survive that? </em>
</p><p>This wasn’t justice. This wasn’t what he was fighting for. This wasn’t what he, Batman, or any of the other heroes here stood for. </p><p>He wanted to be angry, wanted to rage and scream at Bruce. But when he spoke again, his voice was broken, choked up with the sobs he tried to hold back. He felt like a child seeing his parent for the first time. </p><p>“What the hell did you do?”</p><p>Because this wasn’t Bruce. This wasn’t his dad. </p><p>.</p><p>“Master Dick, just what in the world is going on?”</p><p>Dick didn’t tear his eyes away from Bruce when he answered Alfred. “6 months ago, Bruce threw a batarang at Jason’s neck.” </p><p>The sound of a metal tray clattering on the ground reverberated throughout the cave. </p><p>“He’s mute now.” </p><p>At that, Batman stopped typing. His back went still. “...<em>What</em>?” </p><p>So he really didn’t know. He heard the silent horror in his voice. But Dick didn’t know if that was supposed to make things better or not. He couldn’t find it in himself to feel empathy. </p><p><em> Because he would never get to hear his Little Wing laugh or talk ever again. </em> </p><p>“Babs found the video of what happened. How could you?” </p><p>“I didn’t mean to hit him in the throat.”</p><p>Was that supposed to make him feel better? Was that supposed to absolve Bruce of his guilt and make things okay now? </p><p>After all that accuracy training Batman put his Robins through, he couldn’t even take his own damn advice. </p><p>Never aim somewhere you are not 100% sure of its landing. Never throw a batarang unless you are 100% sure of where it will hit. </p><p>Dick was done accepting his excuses. He’s chosen his side. </p><p>“It doesn’t matter what you were trying to do.” He swallowed his cries. This wasn’t the time to be breaking down. He had to be strong for Jason. He couldn’t fail him. Not again. “You took away his voice.” </p><p>Batman didn’t say anything. But Dick was fine with it. He was done with hearing his feeble excuses as if anything can excuse throwing a fucking batarang at your own son’s neck. </p><p>“Do you actually care about him as a son?” He didn’t need to specify who. </p><p>“Red Hood is not my son. Jason died four years ago.” </p><p>Dick couldn’t quite hold back the tears from running down his face when he said that. His fists clenching and unclenching over and over again, as he tried desperately not to lose it. “I can’t believe you said that. Jason’s alive. He came back to us.” </p><p>“He came back wrong.” </p><p>Dick saw red once again as he threw the first punch this time. Batman turned around, catching it right before it made contact but was too slow to stop the second punch from socking him in the jaw and he was knocked off his feet. He was still recovering from his injuries when he fought Nightwing earlier. </p><p>It said a lot when Alfred didn’t speak up and didn’t make a single move to help Bruce. He supported Dick’s actions. </p><p>“I’m taking the kids from you. Don’t even try to come after any of us. There’s a reason why I’m <em> your </em> contingency plan.” He said in a low icy tone before leaving. </p><p>And Alfred didn’t stop him, his eyes on the man he can hardly recognize now. </p><p>.</p><p>Dick’s hands tightened on the wheel. He was trembling, shaking. Tears ran down his face. He tried blinking them away but they just kept building up. He couldn’t drive like this. Luckily, he had the sense to pull over on the dirt and gravel out of traffic’s way (not that there was much) before his chest constricted in pain and the first sob tore out of his throat. </p><p>The exhaustion from pushing himself earlier with rushing to Jason’s aid and fighting off Batman, the pain and hurt that he kept pushing aside to help his Little Wing, and now the emotional turmoil from seeing Bruce throw a batarang at his own son’s throat was too much for him to handle. </p><p>Confronting Bruce and seeing the cowl and hearing his denials became too much and he couldn’t deny it any more, couldn’t keep pushing it away in favor of someone else who needed his help. </p><p>He was vaguely aware that he was suffering a mental breakdown. He knew the signs. And that he just needed to calm the fuck down and call someone. </p><p>He knew all that, but all he could focus on at the moment was how he couldn’t breathe. He was opening and closing his mouth over and over, trying desperately to gulp down air like a madman, but it wasn’t enough. There wasn’t any air getting in. </p><p>
  <em> He failed his Dya and Dat and now he was failing his Little Wing.  </em>
</p><p>He was shaking, choking on inaudible cries and tears. He grabbed a fistful of his shirt but it did nothing. Nothing was working. </p><p>He couldn’t breathe. </p><p>Why couldn’t he fucking breathe? </p><p>.</p><p>Alfred truly felt his age right now as he stared at the man Bruce has become. He didn’t make a move to treat his injury, keeping his hands at his side. Batman can do it himself after all. </p><p>He can see Batman compartmentalize the earlier events in his mind. No doubt they have been banished to the furthest of his minds as he stood up stiffly, walked back to the BatComputer, and resumed typing. There was always work to be done. </p><p>The mission came first after all. What did his strained and failing relationships with the others matter in the face of that? What did this broken family just further breaking matter when the mission was more important? </p><p>
  <em> How Alfred loathes that sentiment.  </em>
</p><p>“I have held my tongue for far too long.” He saw Batman’s back stiffen again. </p><p>He raised Bruce. And sad to say, he’s blind to his flaws. He cares for Bruce a lot, but this, he can’t enable any longer. He can’t be a bystander any more. </p><p>“You have lost your way, and I cannot stand to be a part of this any longer.” </p><p>Perhaps he should’ve been harder to push him to therapy, to stop this supposed crusade for justice. Perhaps he should’ve been a better man to this boy he raised. </p><p>“I’m going to see my grandson now.” Alfred started walking away, climbing up the stairs with his hand on the rail when his heart clenched in pain, and he looked back at the boy he came to love as his own son for the last time. “Goodbye, Bruce.” </p><p>Sounds of his footsteps echoed and before long, the door slammed shut behind him. </p><p>And Batman was left all alone. </p><p>He stopped typing for a few seconds, his heart aching and hurting, before he banished the notion to the depths of his mind and <strike>blinked the tears back</strike> resumed typing . There was no time and no room for <em> emotions-feelings-weaknesses </em> here. </p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>When Joker’s body was discovered in the morning after the sun rose and the warehouse secured, it didn’t take long for the cops to figure out that his death was an accident. </p><p>Even the coroner agreed. Joker fell and died. The gunshots were clearly done postmortem. Who wouldn’t want the chance to put a bullet through the clown? Obviously, they weren’t the cause of death. It was easy for the GCPD to write up the accident report and no one looked any further. Why would they when the clown was well and truly gone? </p><p>Besides, Gotham is busy celebrating Joker’s death and the cops wanted a chance to get in on the celebrations too. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>While Gotham celebrates, the Batfam is breaking.</p><p>.</p><p>So a lot of you loved Roy and I’m glad. I love him too. And I can’t wait until Lian appears. </p><p>I meant to get this out earlier but I had my first round of midterms. So Happy Valentine’s Day ❤️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. I'm so sorry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jason knew he was being selfish, but he just can’t stop himself from seeking out the comfort he knows he doesn’t deserve.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In an almost deja-vu kind of moment, Jason didn’t sleep long before the nightmares woke him up. </p><p>
  <em> I’m sorry, please don’t leave me! I can be good —Just don’t leave me!  </em>
</p><p>He blinked his eyes a few times, seeing the familiar safehouse and the same soft fuzzy blanket over him. He was even laying on the same couch as before. </p><p>His breath hitched as his eyes frantically roamed all over the room. </p><p>
  <em> Dick wasn’t here. Roy was gone.  </em>
</p><p>He could feel his breathing growing more erratically, his body trembling.</p><p>Did he imagine everything? </p><p>He threw the blanket off of him. He had to get up. He had to see for sure. He went around, checking each and every room until he was visibly relieved to see Roy in Dick’s bedroom. </p><p>He was scared that he dreamed Roy up. Or worse, he didn’t and Roy had abandoned him when he saw how much of a fuck up he really was. Well, he would deserve that but it didn’t stop his hands from shaking or his heart from racing. </p><p>Until it registered that Roy was sitting at the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. He froze at the sight. </p><p>
  <em> Did he do that? Is he the cause of Roy’s stress? Is all he’s ever good for is ruining every good thing in his life?  </em>
</p><p>He planned to leave (<strike>away where he won’t be a problem anymore</strike>) when his shoes made the wooden floor groan a little and Roy looked up at the sound. </p><p>“Jaybird.” Contrary to his stressed state, he sounded happy when he saw him, sounded glad to see the Bats’ failure of a son. </p><p>And Jason should’ve left. He knew better than to burden Roy any further. </p><p>But seeing that gentle and kind smile made his resolve crumble and he walked closer. Until Roy pulled him into a side hug, arm slung around his shoulders, and he just let himself relax against his side. </p><p>He was so fucking selfish. </p><p><strike>He was so fucking tired.</strike> </p><p>“Is everything alright?” </p><p>
  <em> No.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You were gone.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And I was all alone again.  </em>
</p><p>But he said none of that. Instead, he moved his hands to say: </p><p>
  <em> “I’m sorry.” </em>
</p><p>“For what?” </p><p>
  <strike> For everything. </strike>
</p><p>He averted his eyes, afraid to see his face. <em> “You didn’t ask to deal with this.” </em></p><p>
  <strike> You didn’t ask to deal with me. </strike>
</p><p>“Jason…” Roy could only look at him with sad eyes. “That doesn’t matter. I want to be here.”</p><p>
  <em> “Why?”  </em>
</p><p>“Because you’re important to me and you shouldn’t be alone right now.” </p><p><em> “It’s fine.” </em> </p><p>
  <strike> No, it’s not. </strike>
</p><p><em> “I deserve it.” </em> </p><p><strike> He really did. </strike> </p><p>
  <em> It took awhile, but Jason got it. He was a criminal. Batman puts down criminals. It was simple.  </em>
</p><p>Roy gently put his hands over his, rubbing circles in the back of them. “Did you know that Ollie was an ass to me?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “I, uh, I’m not sure if you know this but, uh, a while back, I kind of had a drug problem. It’s all better now, I promise. I’ve been clean for a few years.” </p><p>He felt Jason tense. He knew that Catherine died of an overdose and felt horrible of bringing back up those memories but he wanted to get this through his head. </p><p>But all Jason was thinking was how he should’ve been there for him. </p><p>“My sobriety was in no thanks to Ollie. When he found out, he punched me in the face and kicked me out in the streets.” </p><p>Roy tried to tell Ollie his problem and tried to tell him that he needed help when the fucker punched him in the jaw. And well, after such a clear message, he never bothered with him again. </p><p>“Do you think I deserved to be punched by Oliver?”</p><p>Jason shook his head. </p><p>“Do you think I should’ve been left alone as a hopeless case who will never be sober?” </p><p>He bit his lip, following where Roy was going with this train of thought, but slowly shook his head. </p><p>“So why do you think that you deserve the abuse Bruce put you through?” </p><p>Isn’t it clear? Roy was good and a hero. He wasn’t either one of that. </p><p>“I know a thing or two about shitty ass father figures. And what Bruce did to you was a shitty ass thing. You didn’t deserve that at all.” </p><p>But Roy knew even as he said that, everything won’t be magically better. He knew what it was like. It was going to take a lot of time for Jason to realize that he wasn’t the cause of his mentor’s problems or the blame for them —that responsibility solely fell on Batman’s shoulders. </p><p>But he’ll be here for Jason for as long as Jaybird wants him to be here. He won’t fail him again. </p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Jason wasn’t quite sure when the two of them ended up laying down on the bed, his head on Roy’s shoulder, but he decided it was okay to be selfish one more time. He didn’t want to be alone again. </p><p><em> Didn’t want to wake up alone and fear that everyone abandoned him again. </em> </p><p>He closed his eyes as he felt Roy run his hand through his hair. </p><p>“It’s okay. Just sleep, Jaybird. I’m not going to leave. I’ll be right here. I promise.” He said softly but seriously. </p><p>Jason didn’t even notice he was clutching desperately onto Roy’s shirt. He loosened his grip, but Roy didn’t look mad or angry at him for being such a clingy whore (not that he thought he would but the fear was greater than he thought) </p><p>Instead, he pulled him close and launched into a story about his daughter Lian and her latest escapades with the Teen Titans as babysitters. That’s right. Roy was a dad now. </p><p>Jason let the words flow over him. Just buried his head in the crook of the redhead’s neck and just let himself forget just how shitty life has been. He could almost feel that he hadn't died or been betrayed by his dad. </p><p>If he closed his eyes, he could almost imagine he was 13 again. Back to when it was just Robin and Speedy, just Jason and Bruce. Back to things were happier, better, and everything was fine. </p><p>Oh, how he wished and yearned to go back to when there were people who actually loved the Crime Alley street rat. </p><p>He knows that Dick and Roy said that they missed him, said that they were on his side.</p><p>But how could he believe that when he was as broken, as unfixable as he was? How could he see that when everyone just lets him down in the end? When everyone he ever cared about said he was unloveable —never choosing him? </p><p>
  <em> When he’s gone, people are happier.  </em>
</p><p>He knows all that. He knows that this will end one day and he will go back to being alone again. But he was a selfish bastard. </p><p>He held onto Roy tighter, not wanting <strike> willing</strike> to let him go. </p><p>.</p><p>When Dick arrived back at his safehouse, he was tired, both physically and emotionally. He just wanted to plop face down on his bed and sleep forever. </p><p>But when he walked in, he was confused when he didn’t see Jason on the couch and his heart raced. </p><p>
  <em> Jason was gone-he wasn’t here-where was he?-was he hurt?-did someone break in? </em>
</p><p>Only to let out a sigh of relief when he found him with Roy in his bedroom. </p><p>
  <em> Jason was still here-he didn’t leave-he didn’t lose him again </em>
</p><p>He could feel Roy’s eyes on him as he sat at the edge of the bed but he didn’t say anything. He pressed two fingers against his wrist, letting the steady beat of his brother’s pulse soothe the last of his worries away. </p><p>Roy didn’t like how worn out and exhausted Dick looked. “Did something happen with Bruce?” </p><p>He didn’t take his hand off Jason’s wrist. Some of the anger he felt faded when he considered how Roy didn’t ask to deal with this boatload of issues or Bat-drama at like 3 in the morning. </p><p>“Do you mind staying over for a while longer?” He said instead. </p><p>Roy looked at him, incredulous that Dick thinks he would actually leave them right now. “Dude, I don’t know what gave you the idea but I’m not leaving you.” </p><p>“But you have Lian and your job—”</p><p>He almost wanted to roll his eyes, feeling exasperated. He was really starting to see the brotherly resemblance between Dick and Jason. “You and Jason are important to me too. I’ll explain the situation to Dinah, and I can take more vacation days.” </p><p>And if for some reason, his boss decides to fire him, then he was better off working for someone else who understands the importance of a family emergency. </p><p>Luckily, Dick didn’t protest further, the uncertainty lessening from his body language even as he had doubt in his eyes. “Ok.” </p><p>That was probably the best Roy can ask for right now. </p><p>“Why don’t you go asleep?” He said, carefully extracting himself from Jason’s hold. “You look like you’re about to drop any second now.”</p><p>It didn’t take much convincing for Dick to crawl under the covers (<em> he was so fucking tired </em>). It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep, cuddling Jason like he was a giant teddy bear. </p><p>Roy smiled at the sight before quietly leaving and went out to the living room. </p><p>He had gotten a text message earlier from Barbara and only just now had a chance to get away. He didn’t want to leave Jason all alone. </p><p>
  <em> Call me when you have the chance -O </em>
</p><p>He pressed call on his phone and heard it ring twice before she answered. </p><p>“Hey, Roy. How are the boys?” </p><p>He wasn’t shocked to know that she knew he was at Dick’s safehouse. It was hard to hide anything from the all seeing Oracle after all. </p><p>“They’re sleeping right now.” He remembered Jason holding on to him tightly as if he was going to disappear and the haunted, tired look in Dick’s eyes. “They’re not really handling things well.” </p><p>“I figured. Dick had a mental breakdown earlier.” Barbara knew that she was violating Dick’s trust and privacy with this, but she was taking the initiative because her Boy Wonder was driving himself to a grave at this point and she was done burying the people she loved and cared about. </p><p>“<em>What? </em>” </p><p>“I helped talk him down, but he is also not in a good headspace. When you guys go to Bludhaven, I’m planning on calling Wally to be there for him.” </p><p>“I’m here for him too.”</p><p>“I know. And thank you for being there for them when I couldn’t. But I know you also have Lian to worry about too, and I don’t want you to spread yourself too thin taking care of all the Bats.” </p><p>She made a surprising amount of sense. Not that he doubted because she’s Oracle, but still. “Speaking of Bats, hypothetically, how would someone enter the BatCave to give a certain vigilante a well deserved punch?”</p><p>“Well, someone would have to receive the codes from a certain librarian in order to do so.” </p><p>He smiled when his phone pinged the next second. </p><p><em> One new message from Babs. </em> </p><p>“Thanks for the support.”  </p><p>“Anytime. Just make sure to get a punch in for me.” </p><p>“Of course.” </p><p>“Heads up, Speedy.” He could hear the smile in her voice as he wondered what she was talking about when there was a knock at the door. “You got a visitor.” </p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Jason almost didn’t want to wake up and ruin the comfortable lull he was in. He felt warm and safe for the first time since he crawled out of his grave. When he opened his eyes, he was surprised to see Dick’s sleeping face. </p><p>When did he get here? </p><p>But that thought was quickly pushed aside when he noticed how content he was to be in his big brother’s protective hold. </p><p>
  <em> Dick really does care for him, huh?  </em>
</p><p>Sleep threatened to pull him under once again when he noticed a very familiar figure standing in the doorway and he was jerked awake, abruptly sitting up. </p><p><em> Alfie? </em> </p><p>When Alfred saw him staring, he walked closer, a warm smile on his face even though his eyes were so very sad. He looked like a weathered down, fragile old man. </p><p><em> Did he cause that too? </em> </p><p>“Hello, my dear boy.” He sat at the edge of the bed. </p><p>Jason swallowed the lump in his throat, eyes watering, once again hating the scar on his neck that took his voice away. He had so many things he wanted to say to the elder. </p><p>
  <em> I’m sorry.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I didn’t mean to.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I came back wrong.  </em>
</p><p>Alfred saw the insecurities and vulnerability in those teal eyes and immediately brought him in a hug. “I wish I could take all the pain you experienced. I missed you a great deal.” </p><p>And he couldn’t stop the tears from falling as he hugged him back. Alfie was here. He didn’t think he was a lost cause or a failure. </p><p><em> I missed you too, Grandpa. </em> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Victim blaming is extremely toxic. And for Jason and Roy’s talk, I wanted to convey how abused victims (especially done at the hand of family members) often internalized the blame, like “It’s my fault that Dad beat me. I should’ve been better.” Even though that isn’t the fault of the kid, but the parent’s. And there is a clear line between abuse and discipline. </p><p>.</p><p>Note on the last chapter: I’m sorry that it took me this long to address the aftermath of Joker’s death, but there was so much stuff to get through before I felt the scene was good enough to put in and would fit the pacing of the story. </p><p>Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about Cass. She, Steph, and Tim will appear in the next chapter. And by the way, when Babs and Dick refer to the kids, they are talking about Tim and Steph since they’re minors. Cass is 19 (same as Jason) so she isn’t lumped in with them.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. What have you done?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Steph, Tim, and Bruce’s reactions to what happened.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The hot water flowed down Jason’s scarred and damaged skin —his ugly and dirty body. Looking at the stupid Crime Alley street rat in the shower mirror, he couldn’t see what was so special about him. </p><p>He was worth nothing. He knew that. He got that now. No one gave two shits about the dead kid. </p><p>But Alfred was here. Dick and Roy were here too. </p><p>They were here for him. </p><p>Does that mean he wasn’t a lost cause after all? </p><p>They said Bruce was wrong, that Bruce wasn’t in the right to throw a batarang at a murderous irredeemable criminal. </p><p>He couldn’t believe they would take his side against Gotham’s beloved hero. </p><p>
  <em> Most of all, he still couldn’t believe that they actually cared about him.  </em>
</p><p>.</p><p>Jason was in the shower. Dick was still fast asleep. </p><p>And Roy needed something to distract him (away from the thoughts clogging up his brain of how <em> he was a failure-he wasn’t there for them-why wasn’t he better for his friends</em>) so he joined Alfred in the kitchen as good company and helped him prepare breakfast. </p><p>“Please don’t take offense, but I really hate Bruce. Like he can go fuck himself.” </p><p>But Alfred didn’t reprimand him for his language like he expected. “Not to worry, Master Roy. I found myself being most displeased with his actions as of late.” </p><p>And Roy was struck speechless. </p><p>After hearing what happened and seeing just how badly Jason was handling things, he already had a low opinion on Bruce (although he never had a high opinion on the man when the fucker kicked Dick out of his house at 17 and cut him off from any support). </p><p>But to hear how even Alfred was pissed at him?  </p><p>Shit was really real. </p><p>“So, uh, how’d you know we were here?” </p><p>“I asked Miss Barbara where you were.” </p><p>He should’ve expected that answer, but he completely blames the emotional turmoil he’s been in for the past few hours (feelings are a fucking mess to deal with). </p><p>“Will you be coming with us to Bludhaven?” </p><p>Alfred shook his head. “No. Or rather, not yet. I plan to visit the girls and see that they are taken care of first.”</p><p>Makes sense. </p><p>“Are you and the others planning on leaving after breakfast?” </p><p>Roy thought about it for a few minutes. He and Babs talked about hers and Dick’s plans since he was too out of it to form a coherent conversation. </p><p>“Not sure. Maybe?” His tone turned questioning at the end. “It’ll depend on if Dick and Jason are good to go.”</p><p>Although they can always just sleep during the ride if they’re still tired. He agreed with Babs that it was better to get out of Gotham as soon as they can. The further away from Batman, the better. </p><p>“But I’m definitely going to be driving so you don’t have to worry about that.”</p><p>And the elder had a warm smile on his face when he glanced at him. “I will always worry about my grandchildren, but thank you for putting an old man’s heart at ease.” </p><p>.</p><p>If there was one thing being a Bat can guarantee, it was that life was never boring. There was always something happening. </p><p>And boy, was there drama tonight. </p><p>Red Hood killed the Joker and Batman beat him to a bloody pulp. Nightwing defeated Daddybats and took Hood away.</p><p>Steph would be the first to admit that she didn’t think all that highly about the second Robin. He was the one who almost killed Tim and gave him nightmares that she consoled him through. It was terrifying and heartbreaking to see him cry and break down. So yeah, she had a negative opinion on the resurrected crazy psycho. </p><p>But when Babs explained the situation, even she had to admit that Batman was in the wrong here. She was a vigilante, but she was also a kid raised in the Narrows. She had a looser moral code than the strict black and white view Bruce has. </p><p>Joker was one of the few that deserved to die. He didn’t deserve a second chance or twenty like Batman has been giving him. </p><p>It was no chip off her shoulder that he was dead. </p><p>And it was at the hands of the boy he killed years ago. </p><p>A poetic justice if she had to give her opinion. </p><p>Bruce made Jason mute. That’s why Hood dropped off the radar six months ago. And she…</p><p>She knew how much of a jackass Batman can be. </p><p>
  <em> He tried to get her to give up the cape. Said she was too reckless. Can’t follow orders. Can't be a hero. Can’t be trusted.  </em>
</p><p>Despite how low of an opinion she had on the man, she couldn’t believe the uptight no-killing stickler for rules guy actually threw a batarang at his own son’s neck. </p><p>What the actual fuck? </p><p>All fathers were the same in the end. </p><p>She couldn’t trust any of them <em> not </em> to screw her over. </p><p>But enough about her issues, she wanted to call Tim and see what his take on the situation was. How did he feel about what was going on? </p><p>.</p><p>Tim had no fucking clue what he was feeling right now. </p><p>His emotions were a mess. </p><p>It was a chaotic confusing tangled up jumble of nonsense. </p><p>No wonder Batman was so emotionally repressed all the time, dealing with emotions was not worth it. </p><p>Against common sense and Bats’ paranoia, he doesn’t actually hate Jason. </p><p>
  <em> Hood was on top of him, holding him down with his bulky frame. He couldn’t get away, fear racing through his veins (</em>
  <em>
    <strike>he was going to die-he was going to die-he was going to die</strike>
  </em>
  <em>). Hood was digging a batarang in his neck. He was blabbering, begging and pleading for him to stop-for someone to save him-he didn’t want to die. But it did nothing. His hero had a cruel smirk on his face as he dug the knife deeper and said just how much little bitty Timmy didn’t deserve the cape and symbol.  </em>
</p><p>Steph would say how he was being a self-sacrificing dumbass like usual, but he gets it. </p><p>No, really. </p><p>He gets it. </p><p>He was a terrible replacement for the mantle. He didn’t do it justice. He wasn’t a good hero. He wasn’t as popular and charismatic as Dick or as bold and caring as Jason. He wasn’t much of anything if he was being honest. </p><p>So yeah, he can get why Jason would be so pissed if he came back from the dead and saw this little pipsqueak trying to play hero. </p><p>He can get why Jason tried to kill him. </p><p>
  <strike> The nightmares never stopped. He just learned to push them away.  </strike>
</p><p>He never wanted to be Robin in the first place (<em>he had to do it-had to make sure Bruce didn’t go off the deep end-Batman needs a Robin</em>). He never meant to take Jason’s place. </p><p>He wasn’t even Bruce’s son. </p><p>Okay, yes. The man did adopt him, but that was only because his parents were dead and B needed a cover for him being Robin. The little piece of paper meant nothing. </p><p>He knew he wasn’t one of his real children. </p><p>And he was fine with it. </p><p>
  <em> He was never a wanted child.  </em>
</p><p>“Hey.” A knock made his bleary eyes look up from his computer to see a blurry Kon standing against his doorway who sighed at the dark eye bags of this idiotic moron. This is their leader —this caffeine junkie with no sense of self care is who scares the shit out of both villains and allies. “We talked about this, Tim. Even geniuses need sleep.” </p><p>He rolled his eyes. Sleep was overrated. “I have stuff to do.” </p><p>He turned his attention back to Oracle’s message, but the words still haven't changed. </p><p>Dick wanted to take custody over him and take him to Bludhaven. The Bats were really into this whole cover scheme, huh? They didn’t need to do that. He was almost an adult (practically one already). He can take care of himself. He’s been on his own before. </p><p><em> He knew they just wanted to protect their identities, but it still made his heart warm at how someone actually wanted him enough to claim him as family. </em> </p><p>His thoughts were interrupted when a heavy body draped over him and took his laptop away. </p><p>And he threw the super an annoyed glare. “Kon, what the hell are you doing?” </p><p>His best friend had the audacity to look at him with wide innocent eyes (bitch, that shit doesn’t work on him; he already knows Kon doesn’t do “innocent”). </p><p>“You need to go to sleep. Your eye bags have eye bags.”</p><p>That’s an over exaggeration. He is completely fine. </p><p>Kon held the laptop over his head. And Tim cursed his short genes with a vengeance. He was debating if it was worth climbing the super to get it back. </p><p>“Dude, whatever you have to do can definitely wait until you have at least 5 hours of sleep.” </p><p>He narrowed his eyes. “2.”</p><p>Kon raised an eyebrow. “4 and a half.” </p><p>“2 and a half.” </p><p>“4 and I won’t bring in the others.”</p><p>Low blow. He wouldn’t be able to handle the combined efforts of Kon’s determination with Cassie’s stubbornness, and Bart’s puppy dog eyes. </p><p>“Fine.” </p><p>Kon was totally immune to the Bat-glare thrown his way. You’d think he was asking Tim to commit a crime or something by his petulant tone. </p><p>The things he does for his friends —this collective group of weirdos who decided punching people and foiling evil plans were a great hobby to share. </p><p>But he loves them anyway. </p><p>Even when they’re being such a giant dumbass who needs to go the fuck to bed. </p><p>.</p><p>Babs wasn’t expecting to hear from Cass anytime soon who was in Hong Kong, deep undercover on a long-term mission. She connected the call and feared for the worst. </p><p>“Is everything alright?” </p><p>“Good.” </p><p>She let out a breath of relief. </p><p>“Little ties to take care of but be home soon.” </p><p>“Okay.” </p><p>And shit, she just realized. Cass left before Jason returned to Gotham and terrorized the Bats. No one contacted her beforehand because they didn’t want to blow her cover. </p><p>“When you come back, don’t be alarmed if you see that things have changed here.”</p><p>“...Bad?”</p><p>She was quiet for a few seconds. She wanted to warn her, wanted to spill how the Batfamily was breaking, but this wasn’t something she felt comfortable with telling over the phone. </p><p>Face to face was better. </p><p>“When you get back, come straight to me, okay?” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “Don’t go to the Manor.” </p><p>“Please.” She finished in a whisper. </p><p>“Okay.” She could hear the questioning tone in her voice but just felt way too glad that Cass wasn’t going to be near Bruce anytime soon. “Tell me everything?”</p><p>“I promise.” </p><p>.</p><p>Bruce loved the feisty little boy he took in and gave a home and a family too. Jason filled a void in his heart that Dick left when he stormed out of the Manor. He brought light and joy back into his life. </p><p>But there were days when he wished that he never parked his car in the alley and never met Jason. </p><p>Because it was his fault that Jason was now an out of control criminal who belonged in Arkham. He never should have made the boy Robin, never should have let him take this path that just leads to death and destruction. </p><p>When Jason held the Joker hostage and begged him to kill his murderer, he couldn’t. He couldn’t give him what he wanted, couldn't break his code for him. </p><p>Because he knew there was no going back. If he killed, he’ll lose the trust of Gotham police, the Justice League, and the world. He’ll be no better than the criminals he’s trying to put away. </p><p>So he threw the batarang. He didn’t mean to hit Jason’s throat. He was aiming for his hand that was holding the gun. </p><p>He miscalculated and he will forever pay for that mistake. </p><p>The building exploded, he found the Joker’s body and dumped him in front of a hospital before going back and searching for Jason. </p><p>But he was nowhere to be found in the wreckage. After hours of no result, he was forced to admit defeat. Jason was resourceful. He was probably long gone by now anyway. </p><p>He consoled himself with that thought in mind to lessen the guilt of how he failed that day and went home. </p><p>He never meant to make Jason mute. He just wanted to stop him from killing the Joker. He didn’t mean to take it this far. They don’t kill. And Jason did. So he had to stop him. He was a criminal. Hood needed to be taken down. </p><p>But he never meant to hurt Jason this badly. </p><p>
  <em> What did he do?  </em>
</p><p>The mission came first. That was his motto and work ethic. </p><p>
  <em>Alfred was gone. Dick was pissed at him. So was Barbara. And he wouldn’t put it past those two to keep the others away.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He was all alone. I</em>
  <em>n a too big, too dark cave with no allies and no support. </em>
  <em>And the weight of the cowl never felt as heavy as it did now. </em>
</p><p>But he didn’t have time to focus on his strained and failing relationships with the others. There was work to be done. </p><p>The mission was everything. </p><p>
  <strike> The mission cost him everything.  </strike>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I don't know if it might have been a bit confusing. But when Cass said "little ties", she meant loose ends. </p><p>.</p><p>So I’ve been asked about their ages. It’s loosely based on canon (but who even knows what canon is at this point). But here it is:</p><p>Jason: 19<br/>Dick: 22<br/>Roy: 25<br/>Tim: 16<br/>Steph: 17<br/>Babs: 22 (same as Dick but a few months older)<br/>Cass: 19 (same as Jason)<br/>Damian: 10 (he’ll appear but we got some stuff to deal with before bringing in the baby assassin) </p><p>I know that Tim and Jason have a shorter age gap between them (1-2 years in canon) but it just didn’t fit here so I’m taking creative liberties.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. I should've been better</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Tim, Steph, and Dick are not having a good time.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kon hasn’t left the room, deciding he was going to take a nap with Tim too and make sure he actually goes the fuck to sleep. Like a good best friend. </p><p>Tim was aggravated. He had work to do. There was a restlessness that itched underneath his skin. But he knew that the super would make good on his threat to get the others and he doesn’t want to deal with the guilt of seeing their worried eyes. </p><p>
  <em> They shouldn’t be so concerned. He was fine.  </em>
</p><p>So he turned around, facing the wall. He buried himself underneath his covers, blanket over his head, as he tried desperately to block out the reality around him, the depressing cruel thoughts running rampant in his head. </p><p>It wasn’t working. </p><p>But he still tried. </p><p>If only he was a better hero, maybe his dad wouldn’t have ended up dead. Jason was right. He didn’t deserve the cape. He wasn’t good enough to wear the R symbol. </p><p>He thought he proved himself. He thought he earned the Bats’ love when he showed how competent he can be and how much he had to offer them with the only thing he had of value —his genius mind. </p><p>He thought he earned a place among them and as long as he can do his job —keep putting the mission first—, he can call himself a Wayne. </p><p>
  <strike> He can be a part of their family. </strike>
</p><p>He knew things were different for him than they were for Dick and Jason who Bruce actually chose and wasn’t forced into caring for. </p><p>But. </p><p>But Jason was Bruce’s son. </p><p>Bruce loved him. </p><p>And he still hurt Jason like that —still threw the batarang at his neck.  </p><p>
  <strike> He touched his neck.   </strike>
</p><p>If he had murdered Captain Boomerang before he was talked out of it, would he have ended up like that? </p><p>Bruce was supposed to be different. He was Batman. </p><p>He swore that parents were supposed to love their children. He swore he wasn’t like Jack. </p><p>He promised. </p><p>
  <strike> He lied.   </strike>
</p><p><em> But Tim should’ve been used to his parents going back on their word </em> <strike> <em> taking back their “unconditional” love</em></strike><em><strike>.</strike> He had a whole childhood of broken promises to prepare him for the real world. </em></p><p>.</p><p>After getting a few hours of sleep, Dick was antsy to get out of Gotham where Bruce was. He wanted to take Jason away from here and just bundle him up in blankets back at his apartment, at the home he had to make for himself when Bruce threw him out of his house. </p><p>He was overruled by Babs (who was on face-time) and Roy who said it was better if he drove to Dick’s place instead. </p><p>“I can do it.” He objected, hating the concern shining in their eyes. He wasn’t an invalid. He was fine. The breakdown was just a minor setback. </p><p>It won’t happen again. </p><p>He was glad that Jason wasn’t in the room —that he wasn’t here to see how much more he was failing as a brother. </p><p>“Dick.” Babs’ eyes were sad even as her smile was comforting. “I’m sure you can, but—”  </p><p>“You can cuddle with Jason in the backseat.” Roy interrupted, aware of what Dick was probably thinking about. “He’ll want his big brother more.” </p><p>But Dick wasn’t assured. </p><p>Why would Jason want him? He hasn’t done right by him once. </p><p>
  <strike> Jason deserves so much better than him.  </strike>
</p><p>If he had looked for Hood when he dropped off the radar instead of thinking Jason was in one of his moods again, he could’ve known sooner. He could’ve helped him sooner and Jason wouldn’t have gone on a bad depression spiral of how the rest of the Bats hated him <em> when that was not true</em>. </p><p>He didn’t look. </p><p>He didn’t know. </p><p>It was just like when Jason died. </p><p>He was off world with the Titans and he didn’t know. When he came back, it was too late to change anything. </p><p>He was too late now. </p><p>Why was he always failing the people he loved? </p><p>But the words died in his throat when he looked at his friends. </p><p>“Okay.” </p><p>His voice was quiet and Roy reached over to squeeze his hand. And he hated how much he needed that. </p><p>Jason was the one who needed help right now. He can’t be selfish with his own problems. </p><p>He was supposed to be the oldest. It was his job to be there for his siblings. It was his job to be okay to help them. </p><p>He won’t break again. </p><p>He can’t afford it. </p><p>Because he won’t fail again.</p><p>.</p><p>Jason was trying his best to be as still as possible as Alfred checked over and rebandaged his injuries, but he was just now aware of how sore he was and how badly everything felt. </p><p>This would be a really good time to dissociate and get away from the pain. But of course, he couldn’t even have that respite. </p><p>“I am almost finished.” Alfred spoke up, apparently not having a problem with his constant fidgeting. “You are doing a remarkable job.” </p><p>Was he? </p><p>He felt like a failure who couldn’t even do the bare minimum of sitting still. </p><p><em> “I’m sorry.” </em>He signed. </p><p>“My boy, you have nothing to be sorry for.” The elder’s smile turned sad. “If anything, I should apologize to you.”</p><p>Jason’s head shot up in surprise. </p><p>
  <em> What did Alfred have to be sorry for?  </em>
</p><p>As if he could read his mind, Alfred put down the gauze and rubbed circles on the back of his hands. “I should have never taken Bruce’s word that he had things under control.” </p><p><em> Bruce? Not Master Bruce? </em> </p><p>“I resigned as his butler.” He may not serve Master Wayne any longer, but he still has a duty to the rest of the Wayne family —his grandchildren.  </p><p><em> Seriously? </em> </p><p>“I could not support him any longer once I found out what he did to you. I should have checked on you earlier.” When he first learned the Red Hood was his grandson. And before everything became a mess, before Bruce went too far. </p><p>Jason gently pulled his hands away to sign shakily because if Alfred came then... <em> “I could’ve killed you.”  </em></p><p>He couldn’t control the Pit. Couldn’t control the urge, the need to spill blood to silence the rage and anger clamoring in his head. </p><p>He was a monster. </p><p>And it would’ve destroyed him if Alfred saw him like that, as a mindless beast that needed to be put down. </p><p>
  <em> Like Bruce does.  </em>
</p><p>“You are most certainly not a monster.” </p><p>Jason didn’t realize he said that. </p><p>“You are Jason Todd. The boy who would always have time to chat and have tea with an old man like me. The boy I taught to cook and passed down my recipes to. The boy who was always so passionate about classic English literature. The boy who consistently make top marks in school and was one of the best students there.” </p><p>He shook his head, wanting him to stop talking. That boy wasn’t him anymore. That boy died in an explosion waiting for his dad to save him. </p><p>“No matter what you have been through, that boy is still you.” </p><p>How? He was a crime boss. He killed people. He broke their rules. He attacked the Bats over and over again and only stopped when Bruce showed how no one gave a single damn about him. </p><p>He came back wrong. </p><p>“You are still the boy I love as my own grandson.” </p><p>
  <em> How can you love someone as broken, as unfixable as him?  </em>
</p><p>But he couldn’t object (he didn’t want to object, didn’t want Alfred to take back his words). He was choking on his tears, on his hope that this wasn’t a dream he conjured up. </p><p>And all he could do was cry again in his grandpa’s arms. </p><p>Because call it crazy, call it selfish, but he was starting to think that they really want him.</p><p>.</p><p>It was quiet. </p><p>Well, there was the click clack of Babs’ keyboard as she gave Steph space and waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts. </p><p>The blonde was staring down at her cup still full of hot chocolate. It smelled good, but she couldn’t bring herself to drink it. </p><p>She felt nauseous and her stomach was twisted in a bundle of nerves. </p><p>She knew how much of a jackass Batman can be. But Bruce was supposed to be different. He was shit at feelings, but he cared for Dick, Babs, and Tim. He showed he loved them in his own way. </p><p>They said he loved Jason too. </p><p>Her dad claimed to love her and her mom too. </p><p>
  <strike> It didn’t stop the bastard from abusing his wife though. </strike>
</p><p>Love meant nothing. It was just a pretty word. </p><p>But seeing Bruce treat Dick, Babs, and Tim like a dad (<strike>not her though-she was never his kid and she was fine with it-she didn’t need a dad</strike>) made her have hope that dads can be better. That hers was just an outlier. </p><p>She should’ve known better. </p><p>
  <em> Because all fathers were the same in the end.  </em>
</p><p>“Tim won’t answer my calls.” He was probably not handling this well and she wanted to be there for him. But she couldn’t bring herself to leave Gotham for San Francisco (couldn’t bring herself to leave her mom— the only parent that hasn’t betrayed her yet). </p><p>Babs stopped typing and turned around to face her protege. </p><p>And seeing the blatant concern on her face just broke something inside of Steph (<strike>she wasn’t used to people caring about a nobody Narrows kid)</strike> </p><p>“And I know he’s probably busy. He’s probably knee deep into a case already. Or two. Or even three. He’s not great with emotions, you know.” </p><p>It’s always been easier for her to focus on others (<strike>and not her fucked up issues</strike>). Tim was her best friend and she swore to always be there for him. But her thoughts were spewing more poison than usual at her, her emotions too much of a tumultuous mess to ignore. </p><p>“And I should really go see how he’s doing and comfort him. Because he probably needs a hug right now." </p><p>
  <strike>She needed one too. </strike>
</p><p>She swallowed the lump in her throat. Her vision was blurred. It was getting harder to breathe. And she tried to blink the tears back to no avail. They slid down her cheeks as she tried to stifle her cries. </p><p>“But I— But I—” </p><p>
  <em> Excuses. All she had was fucking excuses. It was pitiful. How can she call herself a hero if she can’t even get herself together? </em>
</p><p>
  <strike> <em> Maybe Bruce was onto something when he said she wasn’t fit for this life?  </em> </strike>
</p><p>Babs immediately leaned forward to pull her into a hug and ran her hand through her hair. </p><p>“It’s going to be okay.”</p><p>And Steph stopped trying to hold back her cries. She sobbed —ugly and loud— in her big sister’s arms. </p><p>Barbara’s heart ache for her. She wished she could take all the pain and hurt Steph was experiencing.</p><p>But she couldn’t. And her ire towards Bruce increased. </p><p>She was going to make him pay for what he put <em> her family-her boys-her girls </em> through.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>At this point, Tim is just having a very prolonged mental breakdown. Ignoring his feelings and emotional turmoil in favor of the mission (you know where he gets that from). And just like Dick, it’s not going to be pretty when he finally breaks under the pressure. </p><p>Everyone needs a hug and therapy.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Not leaving you alone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The boys arrive in Bludhaven.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The car ride was quiet. In the backseat, Jason had laid his head on Dick’s shoulder and went back to sleep. Dick was staring out the window as he ran his hand through his Little Wing’s hair. </p><p>He was tired too —still felt wrung out after the breakdown Babs had to talk him through— but his guilt wouldn’t allow him any rest. </p><p>He reached over and gently pressed two fingers on Jason’s wrist —the worst of his worries eased by the constant faint beating pulse underneath his skin. </p><p>
  <em> You’re alive-I wasn’t too late-You’re alive-I didn’t fail again </em>
</p><p>“How are you really?” Roy looked at him through the rearview mirror. </p><p>What else could he say but “I’m fine.” </p><p>Roy gave him a look. He ignored it. </p><p>“I’m calling bullshit.” </p><p>“I’m fine, Roy.” </p><p>He had to focus on Jason and the rest of his siblings. He can’t be selfish with his own fuck ups. </p><p>“It’s okay not to be okay, Dick. You don’t have to be strong in front of me or Babs. We got you.” </p><p>Dick didn’t answer. </p><p>And Roy could only hope that Wally would be able to get through to their boy wonder. </p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>It took longer than Roy would have liked to get to Bludhaven (close to an hour) since they got caught in lunch hour traffic. </p><p>But Dick didn’t mind. He just wanted to get away from Bruce. The further they drove away from Gotham, the more relaxed he became. </p><p>It was probably asking for too much to have a peaceful ride without any fanfare. </p><p>Because when they were about 20 minutes away from Dick’s apartment, Jason jerked awake, skin pale and eyes blown wide in fear. </p><p>“Little Wing?”</p><p>Jason flinched —<em>flinched!</em>—  at the sound of Dick’s soft voice. He scrambled to the other side of the car and basically glued himself to the door. He pulled the hood of Dick’s oversized hoodie over his head and buried his head in his forearm, facing away from them. </p><p>But they could hear the silent cries he tried to hide, see the faint tremors he tried to calm. </p><p>Dick’s heart was breaking, but he couldn’t move any closer. Jason flinched and he didn’t want to hurt him any more. So he stayed on his side of the seat and didn’t dare overstep his boundaries even though his hands twitched to hold his Little Wing tightly and never let him go again. </p><p>
  <em> But he’s hurting-No-I can’t get closer-I can’t lose him again </em>
</p><p>An uncomfortable tension settled over them so Dick does what he does best. He forced himself to swallow back his insecurities and unease and put on a smile. He talked, he entertained, and he played a part. </p><p>“Did I ever tell you about the time people thought me and Roy were married?” </p><p>Roy shot him a confused look, but he ignored him and still kept the smile up. </p><p>.</p><p>Jason didn’t understand why he was shaking. </p><p>
  <em> Their blood was on his hands and their corpses surrounded him. It was all his fault. He did this. He killed them.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He couldn’t control the Pit. He couldn’t control himself.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And they paid the price.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Bruce was right. He was nothing but a monster. There was no Jason Todd in him anymore —only an out of control animal that needed to be put down.  </em>
</p><p>“Little Wing?”</p><p> He flinched at the sound. </p><p>
  <em> Dick was dead-he was lying there-he shot him-why could he hear his voice? </em>
</p><p>He moved and curled into himself —trying to ignore the vivid hallucinations mocking him in that soft gentle voice of the family he destroyed and could’ve had if this poison didn’t run in his veins. </p><p>“Did I ever tell you about the time people thought me and Roy were married?” </p><p>What? </p><p>“Lian was about 2, I think, and I had to pick her up from daycare because Roy was held up at work. Back then, she had trouble saying some words and kept calling me ‘Didi’.”</p><p>“The only name she could actually say right was Wally’s.” Roy piped up from the front. </p><p>Jason uncurled from himself. </p><p>It wasn’t real. This wasn’t real. </p><p>But the hallucination of Dick was still talking, still looking at him as if he didn’t shoot him in the head moments before. There was no blood on his body, only that soft blinding smile he had <strike>before he died</strike> before he said how he’ll make everything okay again. </p><p>“Yeah. She kept calling Donna ‘Donny’ and Garth ‘Gath’.”</p><p>“She still calls him ‘Gath’ to this day. It’s hilarious.” Roy was smiling too. </p><p>“Anyway, her teachers thought she was trying to call me Dada. It didn’t help that I was wearing the promise ring Babs gave me. They knew Roy was her dad so they thought I was just her other parent. They actually congratulated me on having a wonderful husband and daughter.” </p><p>“You also didn’t help matters by playing along.”</p><p>“I was bored and it seemed like fun. Besides, you’re always complaining about people trying to hook up with you so I basically did you a favor.” </p><p>“The only thing you did was get loads of people to bug me about the details on our gay married life.” </p><p>And Dick laughed —bright and carefree. “I’m not apologizing, Speedy.”  </p><p>Jason was so confused and felt out of his depth. </p><p>Just what was going on? </p><p>He blinked and looked down at his clean, unbloodied hands. He turned them over, but there was not a single speck of red on them. </p><p>He looked around. At Dick sitting next to him, at Roy in the driver’s seat. He was in a car; he could feel and hear the rumble of the engine. </p><p>There were no dead bodies around him. </p><p>
  <em> So he...didn’t kill anyone? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He wasn’t a monster?  </em>
</p><p>He swallowed the lump in his throat and felt tears appear in his eyes. The relief was overwhelming. </p><p>He didn’t kill them. </p><p>He didn’t lose himself to the Pit. </p><p>He wasn’t left alone. </p><p>“Jason?” Dick took a chance to sit closer and Jason threw himself at him, body shaking with the sobs he couldn’t hold back. </p><p>“Oh Little Wing.” Dick recovered quickly and held his baby brother tightly in his arms, running a hand through his hair and whispering assurances over and over again. </p><p>“It’s okay.”</p><p>“I got you.”</p><p>“I’m not leaving you alone.” </p><p>
  <em> I’ll make things better.  </em>
</p><p>.</p><p>Roy kept glancing at the rearview mirror. </p><p>It hurt to hear Jason’s pained whimpers and near silent sobs. </p><p>He really wanted to punch Bruce in the face but curbed his instincts. Jaybird needed him more. </p><p>When they finally arrived at Dick’s apartment, Jason had stopped crying but he still had his head buried in Dick’s chest and his brother’s arms wrapped around him. </p><p>“Are you feeling better now, Little Wing?” </p><p>He shook his head. He was pathetic enough to know that he was not okay. </p><p>
  <strike> <em> He didn’t mean to kill them, didn’t mean to prove Bruce was right about him all along.  </em> </strike>
</p><p>“Do you want to stay here longer or you feel up to going to my place?” </p><p>He should get up. It was probably way more comfortable to be in the air conditioned apartment than being inside the stuffy car. But his grip on Dick tightened at the notion of moving anywhere. </p><p>
  <em> Please don’t leave me alone. I don’t want to be alone. I didn’t mean to hurt you.  </em>
</p><p>Dick ran a hand through his hair. “Okay. We don’t have to go. We can stay right here.” </p><p>Jason loosened his grip and buried his face in the crook of his neck —even as he felt happy that Dick was still here, his guilt grew and his tears fell. </p><p>
  <em> I’m sorry for being a bother.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I don’t know how to stop.  </em>
</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>The door opened quietly and two heads popped in Tim’s room. It’s been close to 2 hours already since Kon went to talk to their leader about his atrocious practically nonexistent sleep schedule. </p><p>Bart immediately zoomed in to curl up next to Tim, who thankfully didn’t stir and just put an arm around the speedster, holding him close. </p><p>“How is he?” Cassie whispered, being mindful of their sleeping bat who was finally not glued to his screens. </p><p>Kon looked down at the idiot laying his head on his chest. “He’s getting worse.”</p><p>Tim hasn’t been the same since his dad died. He was growing more reckless by the day and had an even bigger disregard for his own personal self.</p><p>The Titans are trying their best with putting on game nights where he can forget about cases, making sure he gets his sleep by force, and calling Nightwing when things look worse, but it didn’t feel like it was enough. </p><p>Tim wasn’t getting better. </p><p>Cassie sat at the edge of the bed and ran her hand through Tim’s hair. Her movements were gentle even as her face was tense and her lips were set in a thin line. </p><p>He narrowed his eyes. “What happened?” </p><p>“I got a call from Steph.” She was good friends with the current Batgirl. They met through Tim and their self-appointed job to make sure this idiotic caffeine-addicted dumbass genius is not working himself to the bone. And it was nice to talk to a fellow female superhero. </p><p>“He wouldn’t answer her calls so she had to call me. Apparently, Batman and Nightwing had a really bad fight and Dick is taking his siblings to Bludhaven.</p><p>“Everyone left?” Wow. He couldn’t imagine all of Gotham’s vigilantes leaving their city. They were the most stubborn people he ever met. </p><p>“Well, she and Oracle are staying, but the rest are gone.” </p><p>“How bad was the fight?” </p><p>“She couldn’t tell me many details. You know, Bats and their secrets. But it was bad.” </p><p>He blinked his eyes in surprise and held onto Tim tighter. </p><p>“Yeah, I know.” She murmured. She can imagine it won’t be long until the JL caught wind of this. Whatever was bad enough to spook <em> Nightwing and Oracle </em> was probably bad enough to scare the founders. </p><p>What the fuck did Batman do? </p><p>“As the second in command, I’m taking the initiative to call Nightwing and have him get his brother right now.” </p><p>Kon gave her a look. “We’re his team. We can take care of him.” </p><p>She had a small smile on her face. She felt the same, but… “The Bats can make sure he is taken care of better. They’ll be able to make him take a break from being Robin and just be Tim.” </p><p>The Titans love their boy wonder, but he needs his family right now. And maybe he’ll learn to take care of himself better if he learns just how many people love and care for him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Recovery is not linear. It’s full of ups and downs (healing and relapsing). And with everything that Jason has been through, it’s no wonder that he has bouts of demons making it harder to progress much in his recovery. </p><p>But he will get his happy ending, don’t worry.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. I'm here for you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jason meets Lian (well, kind of). And Wally shows up.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jason knew he was being pathetic right now, sobbing and whimpering in Dick’s chest like a fucking baby. </p><p>It was just a nightmare. But he had to reassure himself of that far too many times. And he couldn’t bring himself to stop clinging onto his big brother. </p><p>When he blinks, he could still see the red splattering over him, can still feel the blood dripping down his body. </p><p>He hated the color red. </p><p>He hated the color green more. </p><p>“Hey, Little Wing.” Dick didn’t stop running a hand through his hair, didn’t stop murmuring comfort and promises that things will be okay, that he’ll fix it. “Are you back with me?”</p><p>He slowly nodded and pulled away, feeling guilty that Bruce was right again. </p><p>
  <em> He was just a burden. It’s all he’ll ever be.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Even the woman who gave birth to him knew he was nothing but a liability. No wonder she didn’t want him from the start.  </em>
</p><p>“Do you feel okay enough to head up to my place?” He both hated and loved Dick being incredibly patient with him. </p><p>
  <strike> He didn’t deserve it —not with the blood staining his hands. He should be locked up, far away where he can’t hurt, can’t kill anyone else. </strike>
</p><p>When he signed, he kept his eyes trained on his pants. He didn’t want to see the hero's reaction. </p><p>
  <em> “I’m sorry for killing you.” </em>
</p><p>And Dick stiffened for just a second (<em>his heart aching for his Little Wing</em>) before forcing himself to relax (Bruce deserved his anger, not Jason — <em> never Jason</em>). </p><p>“I forgive you.” </p><p>But Jason couldn’t find any comfort in that. </p><p>Because that’s what dream Dick said too before he killed him in cold blood. </p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Roy was worried for Jason. The younger man was more subdued and even more quiet since exiting the car. And he hated feeling so helpless. </p><p>
  <em> It reminded him too much of how he wasn’t there for Jason when he died. Why didn’t Jason tell him his plans to go to Ethiopia before he left? Was he just not as good of a friend as he thought he was that Jason couldn’t come to him?  </em>
</p><p>“Hey.” He brushed their hands together. </p><p>And Jason looked up from where he was burning a hole in the ground to stare at him with a questioning look. </p><p>He gestured towards his phone. “I’m going to FaceTime Lian. Do you want to meet her?” </p><p>Jason shrugged. </p><p>Good enough answer for him. </p><p>“Say hi to Lian for me.” Dick called out with a smile. “I’ll unpack the stuff in the trunk.” </p><p>“Sure thing.” Roy said over his shoulder. </p><p>Jason followed him into Dick’s bedroom and sat down at the edge of the bed. He was quiet as Roy started the call. And even though he knew what to expect, he was still shocked to see the little girl on the screen. </p><p>“Hi Daddy!” </p><p>She looked so much like her mother Jade, but that beaming smile was all Roy’s. </p><p>It was more of a reminder that the world moved on without him. Roy has a 4 year old daughter. Bruce has a more obedient son. Dick has a better brother. </p><p>
  <em> They didn’t need him. He was just a reminder of a past that was better off left behind.  </em>
</p><p>“Hey sweetheart.” Roy had a fond expression on his face. “Where’s Dinah?” </p><p>“Cooking lunch.” </p><p>“Really? What’s she making?” </p><p>“Sa-geh-tee!” </p><p>“Spaghetti, huh? That’s awesome.” He glanced at Jason who was awkwardly sitting a bit far. “I have someone I want you to meet.”</p><p>Jason’s eyes went wide when Roy pulled him in a tight side hug and faced the phone towards him. </p><p>“This is Uncle Dick’s little brother, Jason.” </p><p>“Hi, Uncle Jay-Jay!” </p><p>“Sweetie, it’s Jason.”</p><p>“Nuh-uh. Jay-Jay.” </p><p>“Jay-son.”</p><p>“Jay-Jay.” She had an angry pout on, but she still looked adorable. </p><p>He was about to correct her again when he felt a nudge in his side. </p><p><em> “She can call me that. It’s fine.” </em>Jason signed. </p><p>“You sure? She’ll call you that forever. Remember Uncle Gath?” </p><p>He nodded. It felt nice to not be the failure Jason Todd for once. He can be Lian’s Uncle Jay-Jay instead. </p><p>.</p><p>Alfred had packed several days worth of food for them to bring with them. Dick was bringing that up from the car and storing them in the fridge. This was Alfred we’re talking about so there were lots of containers to bring up. </p><p>But he didn’t mind the constant trips. It was repetitive enough to take his mind off of his failings as a brother.</p><p>
  <em> Jason flinched —flinched!— at the sound of his voice. Dick watched as his little brother scrambled to the other side of the car and basically glued himself to the door, far away from him. He curled into himself and buried his head in his forearm, facing away from them.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> As if Dick was going to hurt him.  </em>
</p><p>He thought taking Jason away from Gotham was supposed to help. He didn’t realize he was part of the problem too. </p><p><strike>He didn’t realize Jason was afraid of him too.</strike> </p><p>Maybe it was better for Jay to stay with Roy instead. He doesn’t have any problems with the archer. </p><p>“Hey.” </p><p>Dick was startled out of his thoughts. He dropped what he was holding and suddenly Wally was in front of him holding the container that was about to hit the floor. But he didn’t care about that.</p><p>“Wally?” His voice was quiet, almost inaudible. This wasn’t real. He wasn’t here. </p><p>“Hey Rob.” </p><p>And Dick threw himself at him, wrapping his arms around him and burying his head in the crook of his neck, hiding the tears that sprang up. </p><p>Wally automatically hugged his Boy Wonder back. </p><p>
  <em> I missed you too. </em>
</p><p>.</p><p>Wally didn’t know what to expect when he arrived in Bludhaven. He knew the situation thanks to Babs, but he didn’t know things were this bad. </p><p>Dick looked terrible. </p><p>His skin was just a tint paler, his eyes a bit darker, and there was the fact he was currently crying in his arms. </p><p>It was just like when Bruce kicked Dick out and the first Robin didn’t know what to do. It hurt seeing him so lost and broken, but the Titans were there for him. </p><p>They still were now. </p><p>“I thought you were busy.” Dick said in a too small voice. </p><p>Bats were always idiots when it came to asking for help. </p><p>“I’m never too busy for you.” Wally hugged him tighter. </p><p>“I’m fine.” </p><p>“Babs called me.”</p><p>“...I’ll be fine.” He amended. </p><p>Before the sound of a phone ringing interrupted and Dick reluctantly pulled away to check his phone. </p><p>“I gotta take this. It’s Cassie.” He said before walking out the room. </p><p>
  <em> Please let Tim be okay.  </em>
</p><p>.</p><p>Lian was adorable, and Jason couldn’t help but smile as she described her day, the rest of the tension in his body vanishing. </p><p>He already knew Roy was a good father because he gave up drugs for his daughter and put her first <em> (Jason wouldn’t know the feeling. He wasn’t worth parental love). </em>But hearing their interactions —hearing how much love and fondness he holds for her— made his chest ache with an emptiness he didn’t know was there. </p><p>“We went to the park and got ice cream, Daddy. And Dinah let me have two.” She held two fingers up to show that. </p><p>“Wow, that’s a lot of sugar there, sweetheart. Are you behaving for Dinah?” </p><p>She pouted at him. “Uh-huh. I’m a good girl.” </p><p>“Of course you are. I love you.” </p><p>“Love you too. Oh!” She perked up. “When I meet Uncle Jay-Jay, he can take me for ice cream too. What do you like?” </p><p>And Jason’s eyes grew wide at being addressed before biting his lip and signing. </p><p>
  <em> “Neapolitan.”  </em>
</p><p>“He likes Neapolitan, honey.” Roy answered for him. </p><p>And Lian didn’t like that. “Bad Daddy. Don’t talk over Uncle Jay-Jay.” </p><p>Roy bit his lip to not laugh at that. “It’s okay in this case.” He looked at Jaybird for permission who slowly nodded (Jason had to get used to his new normal). “Uncle Jay-Jay can’t talk.” </p><p>“Oh. Is he okay?” </p><p>And Jason had to clenched his fists to stop the tears from falling. How was it that a fucking 4 year old had more compassion than a grown ass man? </p><p>“Me and Uncle Dick are helping him feel okay.” Roy reached over and wrapped a hand over a tightly clenched fist, rubbing circles on the back of his hand.</p><p>“When Dinah drops me off, I’ll buy Uncle Jay-Jay ice cream so he can feel okay faster. I’ll use my own money.” </p><p>A lump formed in Jason’s throat and he tapped on Roy’s hand in morse code —the only thing he could say at the moment.  </p><p>“Uncle Jay-Jay says thank you.”</p><p>
  <em> “You raised an amazing little girl.”  </em>
</p><p>And Roy squeezed his hand before tapping back. </p><p>
  <em> “She saved me.”  </em>
</p><p>.</p><p>“Everything alright?” Wally didn’t like the solemn look on Dick’s face when he came back to the kitchen. </p><p>“The Titans want me to pick up Tim. He’s getting worse in taking care of himself and being more reckless on the field.” </p><p>Dick was shaking, his grip on his phone tightening, as unshed tears appeared in his eyes. “I should’ve realized before that he wasn’t handling Jack’s death well. I’ve been focusing on Jason too much and that isn’t bad. I’m not saying that. Jason needs me. But I should’ve made time for Timmy and Steph and I need to coordinate with Babs—” </p><p>Wally walked closer and laid his hands on Dick’s shoulders and he immediately stopped talking. </p><p>“Hey, it’s okay. Take a deep breath, Dick.” </p><p>And Dick bursted into tears <span>—t</span>he weight of his regrets, guilt, and inadequacies eating him alive. “I keep failing them.”</p><p>“No, you’re not. You’re here for them now.”</p><p>“I should’ve been there for them earlier.” </p><p>“Dickie, there’s no use thinking like that. You’ll get hung up on all the what-ifs and you won’t be able to help anyone.” Wally’s voice was firm. </p><p>His gaze fell to the floor in shame. “I’m sorry.” </p><p>And Wally wrapped him in a tight hug. “You’re doing a great job. And you don’t have to have everything on your shoulders. You have me, Roy, and Babs on your side.” </p><p>Dick put his head on Wally's shoulder. He knew he had to get his shit together later. His siblings were counting on him and he won’t fail them again. </p><p>But in this moment, he wasn’t alone. He didn’t have to be strong. </p><p>“I got you, Boy Wonder.” </p><p>He closed his eyes and let himself believe in his best friend’s words.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>You know it just occurred to me that Dick’s support group so far is just red-heads. I do want to say that more people will show up. I’m planning on introducing the rest of the OG Titans (I’m very excited for that) and the JL founders (Aunt Diana and Uncle Clark to the rescue). </p><p>I hope Lian wasn’t talking weird for a toddler. Kids are an enigma to me. </p><p>Cass will finally appear in the next chapter. </p><p>And sorry for the long wait. School’s a pain but luckily, the semester’s over so hopefully, there will be more regular updates in the future.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>